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we can see feddit.de but they cannot see us
Are you sure about that? I understood it the way that the defederation works in both directions.
You cant see the content from the other instance and they cant see yours.
you can see for yourself that we see feddit.de stuff: https://lemmy.fmhy.ml/comment/131623
Yeah, I even recently commented on a post of theirs from here not knowing we’re cut out. Now it will hang on my profile, presumably reaching them never.