I’m struggling with the giant divide in the, shall we say, amorous appetite between my spouse (mid-30’s F) and me (mid-30’s M).

Due to dissimilar but equally traumatic backgrounds, we have very different opinions of sex (and physical expression of affection in general) in utility, execution, and significance. I am exceedingly (and uncomfortably, for her) voracious/enthusiastic, whereas she is almost painfully hesitant and reluctant.

I’ve recently started learning to address this by trying to understand her perspective more, but there’s still a long way to go, as healthy communication about this topic is in its infancy, after nearly a decade together. As well, I’m learning to be more introspective about my own motivations.

However, I can’t help the feeling (as I go through my process) that I am putting more emphasis on learning to suppress my needs (for physical affection) than actually getting my needs met. Akin to telling a starving man to “learn to be not hungry” rather than giving him anything to eat.

I’m sure there’s a middle ground, but I don’t know how to get there on my own. I don’t want to be disrespectful of my wife’s feelings, and I don’t want to be so dependent on sex to feel good in my relationship (but old habits die hard).

I’m here to see if anyone has a suggestion, a lesson learned from their own experience, or just anything that might help.

    • @IamdannoEnglish
      1•1 year ago

      Emotional connection is t a need, either, yet every woman I’ve ever talked to thinks it is.

      If it’s a need FOR YOU, it’s a need.

        • @IamdannoEnglish
          0•1 year ago

          I don’t think I would want to be partners with someone who did not want to make sure that I was happy, and fulfilled, and my needs were met. Because I would absolutely want to do the same for them.

          And it’s been my experience that women absolutely demand for their partners to meet their needs. Maybe you’ve just been lucky in that regard.

            • ZahzenEclipse
              0•1 year ago

              Expecting your partner to fill your needs is adult behavior my friend. I think you have a very one sided view of what relationships would be and if relationships were only what you are saying they should be, they’d be pointless to get into.

              Also your whole argument about women getting their emotional needs met by non sexual relationships is a red herring for this discussion because that has mote to do with what is acceptable societally.

    • ZahzenEclipse
      1•1 year ago

      Intimacy isn’t a need inside of a sexually healthy heterosexual relationship? That’s insane. I don’t even know how to communicate with someone who has such a view of relationships. It defys all logic and what we know about human companionship.