So, just some background. I wasn’t spanked by my parents. Or really at all when I was a kid. But I have had relationships where spanking was part of it. One, a guy who was super sweet and just spanked me during sex and to initiate. Another guy who spanked during BDSM play but never outside playtime. His spankings were harder than the first guy and it would sting and leave me red and hot.
But then I met a woman. She was a Domme and we got into a serious D/s relationship dynamic where it was always on. And it was the most intense thing. I loved it. Was always in subspace with her. But her spankings! I both loved and hated them. She did not let up. Like, I always thought it was the men who did that?
Covid times ruined it. I miss her so much. But I also wonder if her punishments crossed the line. And yet sometimes I miss the structure? Knowing that if I fucked up there would be real consequences. It kept me in line. And I do think I benefited from being with her.
I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s all so confusing.
Was it abuse? If so, why do I miss her so much? And why do I want that back? Even though sometimes it really hurt.
Help?
IMO, it’s only abuse if you don’t consent or if your safe word is ignored. I came from an abusive childhood. Had a serious D/s relationship. She was my s and introduced me to the lifestyle. I was hesitant but recognized that this was what she needed. It was rigid. It was clear/transparent. It was loving. It was never abuse.
Hi! Thanks for responding. So for you, with consent real spankings are fine. End of story.
Does it matter that she was older? I was in school getting my MPH but she was like 15 years older and a lawyer at this big firm downtown. I was working at a cafe when we met and totally starstruck by her. We started dating. Then a while later covid hit and I moved in with her. She’d spanked before but it was like, her house, her rules.
I still love her to bits, but I’m older and wonder about that power disparity.
The power disparity was real for you. Only you can define your boundaries. If, in your case, it felt or now feels manipulative or abusive, then it was. As you said, you were starstruck, and I 100% understand that. I was there, too. My s pushed me well out of my comfort zone. In my case, I know it was manipulative, but I don’t regret it. I experienced things I never would have. I felt a connection I believed was deeper and more intense than anything I’d ever imagined. In my case, it was all smoke and mirrors, but I know what I felt. I’ll likely never have another D/s relationship because my s’s lies destroyed my desire to trust anyone the way I’d need to for that type of relationship. All that said, in most relationships, there is some power disparity. You saw an older, more experienced person who offered you something you wanted. To get that, there were rules, and you, at the time, were ok with them. Would you be ok with the rules now? Maybe not, but your view is colored by the past you lived between them and now. IMO, we get to experience things, and we learn from every one of them, or we don’t. If we don’t learn, we repeat mistakes. If we do learn, we hopefully don’t repeat the mistakes. So my answer to you is this. Only you can decide whether it was wrong. If you were happy then, what will you gain from disecting the experience unless you’re contemplating a repeat or a similar relationship. We can never know what goes on in anyone else’s mind. I suggest you don’t try to assing motives or intent. Remember at that time we all saw the end of the world just ahead; many of us made decisions then we might not make now. I doubt this answers any questions for you, but I’m happy to keep this discussion going for as long as you’d like. Feel free to take this to direct/private messages if you’d like.
Did you finish you MPH? What’s your area of interest?
Thank you! I agree with much of that.
And yes! I graduated with a focus on HCM and am now working at a hospital in a group that does supplies consumption and procurement.