So, just some background. I wasn’t spanked by my parents. Or really at all when I was a kid. But I have had relationships where spanking was part of it. One, a guy who was super sweet and just spanked me during sex and to initiate. Another guy who spanked during BDSM play but never outside playtime. His spankings were harder than the first guy and it would sting and leave me red and hot.
But then I met a woman. She was a Domme and we got into a serious D/s relationship dynamic where it was always on. And it was the most intense thing. I loved it. Was always in subspace with her. But her spankings! I both loved and hated them. She did not let up. Like, I always thought it was the men who did that?
Covid times ruined it. I miss her so much. But I also wonder if her punishments crossed the line. And yet sometimes I miss the structure? Knowing that if I fucked up there would be real consequences. It kept me in line. And I do think I benefited from being with her.
I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s all so confusing.
Was it abuse? If so, why do I miss her so much? And why do I want that back? Even though sometimes it really hurt.
Help?
Maybe you just miss it because y’all didn’t really break up, but were split by circumstances? No I don’t consider S/M play abuse, at all. Yes as a sub you don’t always get exactly what you need or expect, it’s a dance between two people. The pain high is real, you might miss that, and again it’s not abuse unless she was doing it against your communicated boundaries. And yes, subby people can use punishment to meet their own personal goals - that’s too much for me but if it worked for you and she saw it improving your mental health, wasn’t doing it to cut you off from your friends and harm you then no, not abuse.
Be gentle with yourself - you like what you like, it’s ok, it’s not wrong to want it.
Thank you! So, we were living together. And at her work there was an opening for her to move up to jr partner. Someone died, actually. But to get it she just had to work and work. And I was working like crazy too, and in school. So even though we lived together, we drifted apart. We were also cramped together doing endless zoom calls. Getting on each other’s nerves. Which left my bottom sore pretty regularly. And by the end I wondered if the spankings were more for her than me. When lockdown ended, things spiraled downward. We kept it up for a while. But ultimately, I moved out. It was my choice.
Sorry to hear that. I don’t think it sounds like abuse, but it’s probably a good thing that you did leave a situation you both were unhappy in.
Thank you!