I’m a man and so far this has happened only with other men, but I’m genuinely baffled as to why some people do this. It has happened thrice so far in 3 different work settings:
One was a fifty-ish coworker who, 3 minutes after knowing me started a monologue/rant: ‘I’m very Christian, there are too many migrants and refugees in this country, when their wars are over, we have to send them all back’. Kept repeating the ‘very Christian’ part quite often and talking about his conservative wife. I sat there, not knowing how to react until he said ‘but let’s not talk about politics’. We parted ways. I didn’t work with him after that.
Another one is even better: no more than 4 minutes after knowing him on our first shift together: ‘democrats and unions are useless (this was working in an unionized hospital where the union got us a raise, including his), there are too many Arabs in America, if Biden keeps letting migrants in, there’s going to be another civil war, when Trump wins everything is going to be better, you’re lucky to be only part Mexican, because you don’t look too dark. When I was younger I was a right wing extremist, but not anymore and I’m not racist, because I’m married to a Croat.’
Speechless as well. How do I react to that?
The third one was not so unhinged, but opened his wallet to show me pictures of his service in the navy and then started to talk about his health issues. 20 minutes in our first shift together.
Why do some men do this?
Is this a way to test the waters to see how ideologically similar we are? Not everyone is going to think like you. Why alienate coworkers?
I’d never talk about my health issues with a person I barely know. You put yourself in a position to be exploited.
Do only older white conservative men do this?
Probably nothing moe than these are lonely older men who have forgotten how to interact with people socially, and you’re new. I’d most likely have tuned out the first two, but that last guy sounds like he just wants to talk. If he was in the service, he might have some entertaining (if embellished) stories to tell. I’d have engaged.
You probay have a quiet, attentive and impassive way about yourself. Look people In the eye while they talk? Not volunteer much about yourself? Sort of an “aw, shucks,” answer to most of what people lay on you? Don’t offer suggestions about their problems because they’re not yours and who the hell.are these people anyway?
Welcome to life as a Father Confessor! I say, get yourself ordained with the UU church ($65 and they send you a certificate, papers, and a card!) or the Subgenii (instant ordination AND salvation, just $44.99!), and learn to say anything other than “sorry” when people lay bad their bad mojo on you. Challenge them with uplifting suggestions like, “have you considered a life of public service,?” Or “Have you considered volunteering in a soup.kitchen?” If that fails, evangelize the Church of Bob or Joshua or Offler or whatever until they go stop.
6 times In 10 they clam up.and go away. 4 times in 10 the soup kitchen gets a volunteer for the evening, and maybe 1 time on 10 of those they keep at it.
Think of it as a public.good.
I second this. This sounds like older men seeking validation. I’m willing to bet that they’ve been sold on a mythical contract: “If you do X, you will have a smooth life and get respect.” Problem is, many in the public don’t believe in X or think it’s a problem, their families/wife probably doesn’t think much of them, and they haven’t had the life they thought they were entitled to. Often this crew is looking for someone to blame for the unfulfilled contract nobody ever agreed to.
I suspect they’re looking for validation (“Tell me I’m right and good.”), and you’re agreement that the people they think cheated them indeed did that and are bad/cheaters.
Old White Guys really got sold on this, “get a job, work hard, and your wife will lust after you,” false contract. That’s why they can be so hateful. It’s either find someone who stole their reward from them, or acknowledge they believed a lie.
EDIT: I don’t think you should be validating them. I believe they’re wrong, and this mentality is a problem. Life is full of adversity. Success is not facing no adversity, it’s facing it well. Also, you’re not owed anything from other people. The only solution is to focus on being excellent, believe in yourself, and choose to move on from the people and things that don’t bring you life. You can only control yourself.