Right on, it’s not for everyone. I’m not wired for monogamy, it turns out. I practiced monogamy with my wife for 13 years until I was 37 year old, but I never felt “whole”, I suppose is the best way to describe it. We were polyamorous together for two years before separating and divorcing pro sé (not to do with the relationship style at all, we just had outgrown our relationship).
Now - ten years later - I couldn’t imagine ever choosing to be monogamous again. As I like to say, I never again want to presume any semblance of control over any partner’s absolute right to seek out joy and fulfillment by forming however many ethical and consensual relationships they wish, of whatever style they wish, with whomever they wish, for as long as they wish, and I insist upon the same right for myself.
If it works for you, then right on. Everyone I know who has had a threesome with their monogamous partner ended up regretting it. It led to distrust, feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately the end of those relationships. So, I don’t ever want to try it. My wife is enough for me, and I’m not interested in anything that would jeopardize our relationship. I suppose your situation is a little different, but ultimately I know that arraignment would never work for me or my wife.
It’s good when you and your partner know yourselves and each other. I always advocate for purposeful relationships of all kinds, especially monogamy. It has always seemed like monogamous people in general make a whole lot of assumptions; there’s a unwritten “rulebook” that everyone is supposed to know by heart and follow, but each person understands it just a little bit differently, so arguments come about because of it related to things like what constitutes cheating (e.g. being attracted to anyone else, dreaming sexually about someone else, harmless flirting, etc.). If everyone engaged in conversations early on in a relationship about what they want and need out of a partner what they are willing and able to give back, and what their deal breakers are, then such incompatibilities can be addressed much earlier and compromises made.
And yes, my situation is very different. Monogamous-wired people who have threesomes usually haven’t done the emotional work beforehand. They try to convince themselves that they are emotionally prepared for the aftermath because they are excited about getting some strange, but when the third person is more interested in one of them than the other in the moment, the other partner starts to feel jealousy and wants to shut it down. Or maybe one partner ones to do it a second time with the same third partner and the other doesn’t because they worry that their partner is developing feelings. Or any number of things.
With the people in my circles, we all have practiced polyamory for many years. Sometimes we experience jealousy (I don’t), we have done the emotional work to identify it, put a name to it, dig deep to determine the cause of the discomfort, take ownership of the emotion, let our partner know about the feeling, and ask them for what we need as a means of support without imposing on their boundaries or attempting to force them into changing how they engage in their relationships with others.
I am definitely not wired for it.
Right on, it’s not for everyone. I’m not wired for monogamy, it turns out. I practiced monogamy with my wife for 13 years until I was 37 year old, but I never felt “whole”, I suppose is the best way to describe it. We were polyamorous together for two years before separating and divorcing pro sé (not to do with the relationship style at all, we just had outgrown our relationship).
Now - ten years later - I couldn’t imagine ever choosing to be monogamous again. As I like to say, I never again want to presume any semblance of control over any partner’s absolute right to seek out joy and fulfillment by forming however many ethical and consensual relationships they wish, of whatever style they wish, with whomever they wish, for as long as they wish, and I insist upon the same right for myself.
If it works for you, then right on. Everyone I know who has had a threesome with their monogamous partner ended up regretting it. It led to distrust, feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately the end of those relationships. So, I don’t ever want to try it. My wife is enough for me, and I’m not interested in anything that would jeopardize our relationship. I suppose your situation is a little different, but ultimately I know that arraignment would never work for me or my wife.
It’s good when you and your partner know yourselves and each other. I always advocate for purposeful relationships of all kinds, especially monogamy. It has always seemed like monogamous people in general make a whole lot of assumptions; there’s a unwritten “rulebook” that everyone is supposed to know by heart and follow, but each person understands it just a little bit differently, so arguments come about because of it related to things like what constitutes cheating (e.g. being attracted to anyone else, dreaming sexually about someone else, harmless flirting, etc.). If everyone engaged in conversations early on in a relationship about what they want and need out of a partner what they are willing and able to give back, and what their deal breakers are, then such incompatibilities can be addressed much earlier and compromises made.
And yes, my situation is very different. Monogamous-wired people who have threesomes usually haven’t done the emotional work beforehand. They try to convince themselves that they are emotionally prepared for the aftermath because they are excited about getting some strange, but when the third person is more interested in one of them than the other in the moment, the other partner starts to feel jealousy and wants to shut it down. Or maybe one partner ones to do it a second time with the same third partner and the other doesn’t because they worry that their partner is developing feelings. Or any number of things.
With the people in my circles, we all have practiced polyamory for many years. Sometimes we experience jealousy (I don’t), we have done the emotional work to identify it, put a name to it, dig deep to determine the cause of the discomfort, take ownership of the emotion, let our partner know about the feeling, and ask them for what we need as a means of support without imposing on their boundaries or attempting to force them into changing how they engage in their relationships with others.