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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-06-18 04:00:04+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRa0000000000

My fiance broke up with me because my parents have a non conventional marriage…

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of infidelity

Original Post Oct 22, 2019

We’ve been together for 6 years. We’ve known each other for another three years before that, so 9 years total. We’re getting married in February. Or we were, I don’t know any more. We’re visiting my parents to meet some more of my extended family, so they get to know him before the wedding. My parents offered to host us, and we’ve been staying in my old room. I’m [F29], he’s [M32].

We are staying with my parents. My fiance wanted to stay at a hotel, but I thought it will be fun to sleep in my old room. And to be here with my mom and dad one last time under their roof before I become a married woman.

My parents have been in a non conventional marriage for a long time. It was a shock for me to learn about it, and I learnt to cope with it. I am not necessarily comfortable with their life styles, but I can’t do anything about it. They basically go on dates with other people, spend time with other people, sleep with other people. Had to learn it when I came home a few days earlier from a trip with a friend’s family, and my father was sleeping next to another woman, when I was 16. I freaked out then, and my parents had to explain to me it was all fine.

So my fiance could not sleep last night, and went outside for some fresh air because he is not used to sleep away from our bed back home. And he found my mom kissing another guy in my parent’s foyer.

So he freaked out, started yelling at her, came and woke me up, demanded I call my father and tell him he found my mom cheating on him.

So my mom had to explain to my fiance about my parent’s non conventional marriage, but it didn’t go well with him. And once it seemed like he is calming down and starts to accept what my mom was telling him, he figured out I knew about their marriage, and he started freaking out on me.

He told me that he can’t trust me any more, that he was set up, that I insisted we stay with our parents so that I can ease him in the idea, so I can enforce my parents principles on our own marriage, and I simply can’t get through to him.

My fiance has been cheated on before, his parents have divorced because his mom cheated on his dad, and he doesn’t have a good relationship with her, he could barely stomach the idea of having her come to our wedding.

He went to a hotel for tonight, and said he will be leaving back home tomorrow. he’s not really answering his phone or texting back.

he says he needs to reevaluate our engagement, that he doesn’t think he can marry me knowing I approve my parents marriage style. That I wanted to manipulate him and introduce this life style in our relationship.

The truth is I am ashamed of my parents and their relationships, and I had no idea they will behave like this while my fiance is around, let alone sleeping in their house. he simply doesn’t believe me because I haven’t talked about it since I’ve met him. It’s not something I find easy to talk about, and the less I think about it the better.

How can I talk with him? I have no interest in my parents style of relationship, I am fully dedicated to my fiance, and I have never been interested in another person since I’ve met him.

I don’t want to lose him over this stupid thing, and I feel ashamed he had to find out about my parents like this. I’d have preferred he never knew.

Please, if anyone has any ideas, I am interested in any suggestions.

Thank you.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TiredofDancing

Yeah you let him learn about that in the worst possible way. I am not excusing his behavior but I get his reaction. You insisted on staying in their house and you knew his past trauma. I would totally expect you to have told him by now, you are engaged and your parents very alternate ( to him) lifestyle is a big issue. It’s not your parents responsibility to cater to his needs when it’s their home and their actions not a secret.

You seem to not be understanding at all that you should not have hid it, and wanting him to never know is the wrong idea to begin with and what got you this mess. Stop hiding shit like this and share it in a way that makes it clear you don’t approve.

OOP

I would have at least expected my parents to be able to control themselves, at least for the few days we were supposed to be here, but I guess that was too much to wish for.

I didn’t necessarily hide this from him, but it never came about. And I am so uncomfortable talking about it, it was never something I even thought mentioning.

He doesn’t talk about his mom that much, I learned what I did about her and how his parents marriage ended from his sister.

And honestly I thought it would be nice to sleep in my old room, and be there one last time before I get married. There were no malicious intentions here.

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PixelatedNuts

Honestly you and your family couldn’t have handled this worse.

This is something you bring up before he meets them. Especially with his issues.

I mean, he is your fiance, when were you planning on telling him.

He is thinking the apple didn’t fall far from the tree here and it is hard to fault him given your insistence on staying there, your mom’s behavior, an not getting a head’s up beforehand.

You gotta let him know, with no fucking hedging or omissions, that you 100% do not want a lifestyle like this.

Be direct, be honest, and be prepared for him to resent the shit out of your parents for a while.

OOP

Thanks.

To be honest, he doesn’t talk about his family either. I learned about his parent’s divorce from his sister, who is more comfortable talking about it.

It also never came into discussion, there was never a proper time to tell him “and my parents fuck around.”

I guess before we came to visit here, sure, but I was thinking my parents would be on their better behavior while we’ll be here. I guess mom had other ideas :(

OOP Explains her childhood and thoughts on her parents

Downvoted Commenter

Anyone who would shame you for a) something you’re not responsible for, and b) isn’t anything wrong needs to grow up and accept there are differences in how people live their lives. What if you two had a child who ended up being LGBT or in a poly relationship? Would he freak out and kick them out of his life too?

You’re better off without a judgemental asshole like this in your life.

OOP

With the risk of having the mods punish me, I have to say it: your comment is incredible condescending and dumb. Full of assumptions.

My parents have spent more weekends with their partners than they did with their children. We were always offloaded to an aunt or to our grandparents Friday night, no exception, except birthdays and “special” occasions like that. Only when I got older and learned about their lifestyle have I understood what they were doing.

My shame is not for how they live their lives, my shame is for how they treated me, how they prioritized their own pleasure over the sake of mine and my brother’s and my sister’s.

I don’t have to accept their lifestyle because in doing so I validate their behavior, I validate every minute we were robbed of a happy family life.

I heard my parents fighting, one time my mother yelling they shouldn’t have had “three fucking children.” You see, having three children was a complication to how much time they had for themselves, how long they could send with other people.

Don’t come and try to shame ME, try pointing fingers at ME, and play the homophobic card with ME.

How is that reflective of my parenting skills, I don’t know, and I think you are projecting your own insecurities over my experiences. If that makes you feel better, power to you, but I am not falling victim to this game.

And from “my parents prioritize their own pleasure of the sake of their children” to “you’re homophobic” is such a long jump, you must have super powers to be able to so perfectly execute it.

So yes, I am ashamed of my parents, and I do not approve of their lifestyle. had they been better parents, had they cared more about their children than their pleasures, sure, maybe we’d have a different conversation. As we stand, no, we cannot.

OOP PROVIDES 2 UPDATES IN THE COMMENTS

Comment 1 Oct 22, 2019

I’ve already talked with him, and I am staying in the hotel room with him tonight, since it’s already paid for and it will be fun.

Tomorrow we will move to my grandma’s house, until the end of the week. We came here to meet the extended family, and that’s what we will do.

My parents have finally found it within themselves to apologize, but it no l…

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