spoiler
I think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did’nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don’t fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that’s as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don’t even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I’m sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don’t care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can’t fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that
As someone who has been in your shoes I understand how hard it can be to just get up and keep moving towards a goal. What did help for a bit at first was to change my surroundings. I would go for very long walks, 10+ mies daily. This helped clear the cobwebs in my head. Made me feel healthier and helped me to discover things in my surroundings. Leaving the house also gave roommates space away from me… depression is depressing on everyone around you. It’s like alcoholism, you think you’re hiding it very well but everyone can smell it a mile away.
I could go on and on about all the steps it took and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it takes a very long time and exceedingly hard work everyday.
Feel free to contact me if you want to talk or if you want to hear funny stories about all the dumb embarrassing things I did to try to find joy. You are not alone. Sometimes it takes folding all cards to change your point of view. Take a bus to Yellowstone and work their summer program. Limited technology and a way to make new connections you might even end up working winters in Vail, CO. I did and it was so much fun.