I know that what I’m about to say might be just something that’s wrong with me, and I understand that, but here goes.
Back at the end of April, I had my first breakup, she broke it off cause I was being stupid (I’m sure if someone wants to know the story, I have it somewhere in my profile) and I went from blaming myself, to being angry, to numb, to now that she talked to me again a few weeks ago, i feel guilty and just generally, I despise myself (but that’s a separate issue and I’m trying to get depression medication) She said she wanted to be friends again cause I’m a “really fun person to hang out with” and for a second I was happy.
Fast forward to a week ago while working with her brother while helping a family friend, he invited me over to their place to swim and I accepted, she wasn’t there but I was good friends with her family and I wanted to rekindle that, except the whole time I felt guilty and had panic attacks, but I tried my best to hang out.
Yesterday, at our martial arts class, which is where we see each other each week, I asked if she wanted to hang out, she accepted, but also said that there wasn’t a chance at romance. I wasn’t trying to consider that again right now, and just wanted to be friends again for the moment, but it’s been bothering me.
How can I promise myself that I won’t feel pain each time we hang out, that I won’t try and be more and end up pushing her away again. How do I keep sane when I know I’m going to be an idiot and try to be close to her again, while also knowing I won’t get that.
Maybe it’s the depression, I can’t really decide on what I want, I don’t know where to go.
Tbh, it tends to be easiest when you start as friends, try dating, and it doesn’t work out.
But it is possible even when it started as dating and turned into romantic love. The key to it is grinding the old habits away as fast as possible, and treating the situation like a brand new friendship.
You gotta be patient with yourself, it won’t be instant. But you pay attention to your thoughts and when they turn to romance, you shut it down hard inside yourself. You remind your self that it’s over, and this is a fresh start. It’ll be painful at first, but if you genuinely act like a friend, and only expect friendship in return, that pain will be replaced with the warmth of a friendship.
Me and my wife are both friends with several of my exes. Even two where I screwed up, rather than it just not working.
And, that’s something to hold tight to, btw. It already didn’t work, that means it’s less likely to work in the future. Doesn’t matter why it didn’t work, only that repeat mistakes are a big waste of time.
If you can’t do that kind of self evaluation, and self control, bail now. Be honest, say you can’t handle it, at least for now, and don’t be the kind of douche that pretends to be a friend for ulterior motives. Nobody likes that kind of person, even that kind of person.