So my partner and I had always had really good communication. Anytime there were fears, doubts, hard life stuff, etc. We always managed to talk through it in a really healthy way. She was my rock.
About 6-8 months ago she says she’s unhappy with her job and her grandfather is really sick so she wants to be close to him before he dies. I say ok I fully support you, let’s move out there. I dont want to give too much info but the area is 24 hours of driving from where I have spent my life. I have never been anywhere near there.
So she got a 3 month temp job in the new location that she wanted to use as a networking oportunity. But I couldnt go because we could not affort to break our lease. We texted every day, called on the weekends when she had cell phone service.
I got a promotion with a sweet little relocation package to the new area. So know I knew how much we could spend on housing even if she wasnt working. This is in hindsight where the first red flag was raised. She was completely non commital on any places I showed her.
The plan was for her to come back on the 19th of August and then we’d move together. She hadnt bought a plane ticket. I already have a start date and I have to be in person for my job. She suggested that I just go, then her dad will come and they’ll drive out together. Ok whatever. If that’s how she wants to do it, then we’ll do it. Surely nothing can go wrong here because our relationship was so solid.
I forgot to mention that we talked about staying in a relative’s basement as a back up plan. So I ask, “have you talked to them about me staying there? Things are getting down to the wire”.
She suggests I reach out to my new manager and ask if there’s anybody at work I can stay with… This was the “wtf, is my life about to collapse” moment, or is she just in lala land?
Anyway skipping a head a bit she ends that convo with something along the lines of “we need to talk”
So she calls me and says “Sooo, and maybe you’ve know this for some time, but I like girls.” (I did not know this at all btw. I’ve never seen her even look at another girl that way). I say “ok, and are we moving together?” She says no, she wants to stay here to “figure things out”
I told her “had you told me this a year ago or even a month ago I would have been your biggest supporter. But you waited until the point where its extremely desctructive to what we have together and to my life in general”
She just said she was sorry over and over. I dont really remember much more.
I’m not even sure if I’m asking for advice here. But moreso wondering if anybody has heard of such a thing before.
I didn’t think a relationship with such good communication could ever just be gone so fast with no warning. And we’re in our 30s, we’re not kids. I can’t beleive that she would put me in this situation and now have to move to a place I dont know, with any support I have thousands of miles away. I’m just dumbfounded
Edit: Thank you all so much for your responses. I appreciate all of your perspectives and the effort put into your reponses. It’s incredibly helpful to know that I am not alone in this experience. I love you all.
First and foremost I want to say that I’m sorry your life has been upended in this way. My heart goes out to you. I imagine you’re in a bit of a state of shock, which is partially what led to you posting. While I have had a friend who went through something similar, I don’t think I have anything I could tell you about that situation that would really help you with yours. All I’ll say is that they were, with lots of time, able to get to a place where they feel like things were “normal” again for them. You are not alone. Perhaps there are online spaces with others that have gone through what you are now.
I know you said you weren’t sure if you were asking for advice, but I’d like to offer my 2 cents, if that’s okay. I think it would be prudent for you to talk to someone you can trust or with a professional. Someone with whom you can bare your soul and voice your feelings with. I also think it would be helpful for you and your SO to seek couples therapy together. I’m sure you both have a lot to say to each other and, from experience, having a safe place with a professional present makes for better ability to get everything out there and addressed. I’m sorry to say that this is just the beginning of a long journey.
I really wish I had more to give you than generic advice. I cannot imagine how you’re feeling after such a breakneck change. I wish you the best moving forward and I sincerely hope you can feel whole again soon.
It sounds like they’ve broken up, so unfortunately couples therapy isn’t likely to be on the table, you can’t realistically ask that of an ex.
Of course you can realistically ask that of an ex, especially after 7 years together and with how things ended. However, you can’t realistically expect them to agree.
I find it dubious, though, that she just straight up lost all care for him, despite how she handled this. For all we know, she has a lot to say to him as well. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in seeking closure.
I appreciate your response. It’s nice to hear about a similar experience that resulted in normalcy. I do have an aquaintance that is a professional counselor, and they have been kind enough to let me vent and give me some really great advice and encouragement. I will be seeking professional help once I get settled too.
The couples therapy is an interesting prospect. Even though we aren’t a couple anymore I do think it would bring closure. Even if she wasn’t willing to do it, that would bring some closure in itself because it means she simply didn’t value our relationship as much as she claims.
I’m really happy to hear you have someone to talk to. Venting to internet strangers can for sure help, but can’t compare to real life friends who care about you and understand your situation much better. And that’s such a great way to think about the couples therapy proposal; that’s a perspective I didn’t even consider when writing my comment. No matter how you decide to move forward with all of this, I hope your heart heals well. Stay strong!