Everyone knows you leave a space to the next urinal, today someone violated that and caused what I will now describe as the most significant life event of my year.

I had driven 4 hours to work this morning, so I was ready to burst when I got to the office. I was also tired and confused from a lack of sleep.

I step up to the urinal, in a bit of a hurry. As I’m unpacking, some guy docks into the adjacent station to do the same. It throws me off a bit, because there’s a whole wall of empty porcelain but bro wanted to tandem with me. Ok, sure. Open the tap and get this over with. Feels like pee is peeing.

As I’ve been taking in the situation and sorting myself out, I didn’t realise that my insubordinate foreskin had sealed itself up into a penis tortellini.

Without any chance to give warning to my range buddy, or divert the phallic blunderbuss, a piss bubble forms and explodes like Mount St Helens in 1980 (sideways).

I couldn’t have aimed worse if I tried. It must have seemed like I did it on purpose.

My neighbour is covered in my piss. What the fuck do you do to survive this.