My BF (35M) and I (35F) met 3 years ago and were almost instantly, madly in love. We had a great 6 months where he was all the usual things.

Lockdown relaxed more and suddenly he’d almost always be in the pub if not with me. He started a new (high stress, high risk) job and I got quickly de-prioritised as the pub was closer to him than my apartment. With my discontent growing he asked me to move in with him as a gesture of his commitment, but his pub visits quickly escalated and any free time at home was napping to go back out to the pub a second time, or just passing out. Conversations were had, justifications were made… But in August 2022, I hit catastrophic burnout due to a number of factors, and he was no where to be seen. I found him passed out on the flooring after a night of drinking and took his phone - found out he blamed me for his unhappiness and his friends were encouraging him to go after a co-worker instead.

We separated for a while. He took a number of steps to address his behaviour, reduced drinking, got a new job, sought help for his mental health etc. and we reconciled a few months later. I have been much more open about my feelings, needs, and expectations. But now once again, he doesn’t feel present in our relationship at all. I have given him as much time, space, compassion and love as I can, but I’ve become emotionally spent and it’s [finally] become clear I cannot rely on this person to support me.

I’ve initiated a number of conversations about this in the last couple of months. I’ve recommended ways we can work on our relationship, and I’ve been supportive of his intentions to try new things to reduce his reliance on alcohol (he’s not actually pursued any of these yet). I’ve also questioned whether this relationship is right for him (he insists so). But… He’s stopped his medication, he again frequently heads to the pub straight after work, and there is no intimacy or desire at all.

This week I told him I’d started to mourn our relationship (I’d explained this to him previously and that mourning usually is the point of no return). He didn’t say anything for a while, and eventually I had to prompt him to get ready for work. We haven’t spoken about it since, as he’s having an extremely miserable time at work right now, there’s a bunch of awful family stuff happening, and I don’t know how to bring it up without mentally overwhelming him.

The breakup will bring extreme financial hardship to both of us (I can afford rent alone, but barely). I’m also concerned he’ll escalate his drinking again, or that he’ll hurt himself (unintentionally through the drink). He’s been insistent through our conversations that he loves me and that I am enough. I feel like I’m trying to shield and protect him from further mental anguish even now, even while I cry myself to sleep at night when the loneliness consumes me. I’m still here coddling him while I break apart.

How do I do this? How can I find the ‘right’ time? I’m terrified and heart broken.

__

Some things to note: I’m also having an awful time at work, I do 80% of the domestic labour, and I am chronically ill. I’ve been in therapy since January to unpick my belief that the happiness of others always supercedes my own. I’m in pain and I see him in distress and don’t know how to balance “everyone deserves love and support when they are struggling” with “you have not supported me and I cannot dedicate any further time and energy on you”, because to me the latter seems transactional (again, trying to undo this!). I’m just so tired.

  • @[email protected]
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    71 year ago

    I’m a 35M alcoholic and I recognize the cycle you’re describing as nearly identical to what I went through. I’ve been sober for 5 years now but, when I was drinking and the people around me were hurting, I noticed that their attending Al-Anon meetings really, really helped them. Al-Anon is a support group of peope who share their experience related to the effects of problem drinkers in their lives.The folks at Al-Anon made my non-alcoholic wife (then girlfriend) feel less alone while going through what must have felt like an impossible situation. Al-Anon groups ask that you donate a dollar at each group session you attend, but attending them is free.

    I learned some valuable lessons in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that I still utilize to this day, although it’s been a few years since I’ve attended a meeting. It sounds like AA might be a good place for your boyfriend to visit once he decides he’s ready to try something different. But he doesn’t have to go to AA in order for you to visit an Al-Anon group.

    Good luck and please remember to take care of yourself as you’re both going through this situation.

    • @[email protected]
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      51 year ago

      This is the correct answer, go to an Al-anon meeting. This upset you enough to make the post about it and you must be at your wits end. Don’t demand your BF go to AA, just start going to Al-Anon meetings on your own.

    • @[email protected]OP
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      41 year ago

      Thank you so much for sign posting me to this. There’s a meeting local to me on Monday and I’ll definitely be going along.

      He’s not ready to acknowledge he’s an alcoholic (I’ve said I believe he is, he disagrees, I’ve said that doesn’t change that I believe he is, etc.). And I know you cannot change something you’re not ready to admit is real. I truly hope he manages to get the help he needs following this.