Been in a relationship for a year, since early in the relationship my partner has been suffering with chronic back pain. This pain is almost always present, this causes breakdowns multiple times a week, especially on weekends.
I’ve been having a hard time helping her manage her pain and being there for her, it reoccures so much that I’m starting to feel myself becoming apathetic towards her, and sometimes outright cold.
I haven’t really been getting a chance to rest from being emotionally available, or even socially available (even though life circumstance already caused me to basically halt all social life). And i haven’t really had a weekend this past months that i could use to rest instead of being on call and hearing her cry most of the day.
I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup and that I don’t have any other choice, otherwise I’d be leaving her to deal with it herself.
It feels like it’s going to be the end of our relationship, any advice?
p.s. we’re a man-woman relationship, young adults, both of us not really experienced in relationships, if that’s any help.
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I think you’ve mostly gotten the advice I would give from the other responses with respect to taking care of yourself.
I suffer from back problems and chronic pain. I was unemployed for a long time because of it. I’ve managed to improve, but it took years. So what I’m going to do for her (through you) is to give you a major shortcut to improving her pain and her ability to manage it: She needs to read the book Back In Control by Dr. David Hanscom. Terrible title, but excellent book.
He’s a back surgeon who went through his own chronic pain, losing his job and a fellowship because of it and eventually becoming suicidal. His book can talk you back from the brink of that. It did for me. Even if she’s not at that point, the book’s advice will help her manage her pain - and her reaction to it - much better.
Here’s why I know: after reading the book and practicing his simple mental exercises for just a couple of weeks, I already felt remarkably better. This was partly because if even an accomplished surgeon can go through the experience of not having any help from doctors who don’t believe you, then this really isn’t just some personal failing. Doctors just aren’t equipped to properly address chronic pain (with rare exceptions).
I felt well enough after reading this book that I started looking for a job again. I was still having pain, but the way I experienced it had radically changed. I later discovered that a huge source of my pain was from food intolerances, but this just underscored how badly I had been handling it after suffering through it since I was a child. I had improved without first solving the physical reason for my pain.
The problem with pain of any sort (including emotional) is that the signals all travel over the same neural pathways, reinforcing and amplifying each other. Emotional pain can be felt in the body at the site of an old (but fully healed) injury. It feels like physical pain though, making it really hard to solve.
I am NOT saying “this is in her head.” I am saying all pain is actually experienced in the mind, and a mind that’s in distress can inadvertently make it worse and worse over time. Mine did.
I hope she takes my advice instead of walking the path I did over the course of about 14 years.
Much appreciated, saving this comment for later. I also have something else to ask of you, you mentioned food intolerances, might they have caused unexplained nausea? That is something my partner is dealing with, i want to know how did you find out about, and also pinpoint the exact intolerances, I’ve done some reading on it before trying to find a doctor to contact and get advice from.
I have autoimmune diseases (thyroid issues and fibromyalgia). Food intolerances go hand-in-hand with autoimmune issues.
Giving up gluten at the recommendation of a GP and a Endocrinologist made a huge difference, but after about a year I still noticed I had a fair amount of chronic pain and inflammation. So the same endocrinologist recommended I get a Mediator Release Test which helped me identify a long list of other foods that my immune system reacts to badly. Corn is a big one.
I never had the more obvious gut issues that others in my situation do, but I suppose her nausea could be from food.
Has she had any traumatic experiences? Anxiety issues? Depression? Things like that are often huge contributors to these problems. Sometimes the problems cause anxiety and depression. I know my pain made me much less healthy mentally, which then made the pain worse.
I don’t know where in the world you are located, but in the USA at least you can try to find a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO). They still go to med school, but they focus their application of medical science differently from an MD.
Yeah anxiety and similar issues are present for both of us, I’m saving this comment as well, many thanks, friend.
First thing in any relationship: your own happiness. You’re young, so you probably still have indoctrinated love ideas a la Disney, eternal love, total self sacrifice and all that bullshit. It’s feel-good nonsense.
I repeat: the absolute first priority in any relationship is your own happiness. Does it help anybody that she has chronic pain and is unhappy, and now you’re unhappy too? Obviously not, it would be, from a total utilitarian perspective, a much better situation if she was unhappy and you were happy. Total happiness would have increased.
What this means is: you can only support her as much as you are comfortable with it. Like seriously, what is the alternative? Like you say right now, that you’re so emotionally drained that the relationship ends? Then the situation would be even worse: she wouldn’t get any support at all anymore. What’s better, the little support you can give without sacrificing your own happiness, or no support? Obviously the little support.
Now if that is “enough” for her, that is for her to decide. She might decide that she wants a partner that can support her more. Obviously it’s a huge gamble, there aren’t many people who can deal with a lot of negativity all the time.
Of course, the initial rant about Disney love comes from somewhere. Your thought of being so self-sacrificingly supporting was instilled in you from somewhere. Likely you and people around you think that it’s the “good” thing to do. They would be wrong, but that won’t stop them from giving you shit probably in the way of “oh how could you be so evil and stop supporting your poor poor girlfriend”. This is, in my opinion, abuse. Yes, she has it harder. Is thus your happiness unimportant? Obviously not. But it may be laid out as if it were.
In summary: listen to yourself. Focus on your own happiness. Do only as much as you can. Explain to her why. Tell her everything you think, everything you feel. If she loves you, she won’t want to pull you down with her. And the funny, ironic, unintuitive thing will be, once you focus on yourself and are more happy you will also again be able to support her much better. Take your rest, take a break, don’t support her when it pulls you down. Be assertive about your own needs, even if she has it worse.
I’ll try to focus on myself more, but I’ll still do whatever i can to keep my current partner, she’d do the same to me and she’s the closest friend i had before she became my partner.
My wife has had chronic pain (CRPS) since 2008. Some thoughts and observations:
- It’s important to step back and think about your role. My situation was different than yours: I was married with kids for twelve years, you’ve been together for a year and aren’t married. It really is okay for you to decide it’s more than you can handle. Your gf doesn’t need to be with someone who becomes bitter about a part of her that she can’t control.
- If you decide the pros of being with her outweigh the cons of what being with her requires, you should fully embrace that that’s your decision. It’s fine if you have down days over it or whatever, but on the whole it just becomes part of your life and it’s your decision.
- The two of you should talk about how to get each of you what you need. My wife could sometimes do things, but often just couldn’t, and it was cancerous trying to have a conversation every day or every week about what she could do. It was much better for both of us for me to just assume I was doing laundry and dishes and stuff, and her doing what she felt up to when she could. By the same token, it’s super hard on a person to feel like they aren’t making a contribution or are dependent on someone else.
Good luck!
By the same token, it’s super hard on a person to feel like they aren’t making a contribution or are dependent on someone else.
It’s super hard on good, caring people. Some people are happy to ride the pity train forever.
Thank you very much, i don’t mind doing most of the housework, thing is we don’t live together (yet, hopefully we will soon), so there’s a lot of guilt and other feeling on her side, i hope i can hold it just a bit more, until it gets better.
You need to talk with her, be open address your fears and how you feel about the situation. It will be difficult to address, it needs some delicate wording.
By this I mean make sure that you don’t blame her for having the pain, it is not her fault to feel it. It is understandable that she needs someone to rely on, but not at the expense of your own happiness.
There is the chance that she will feel attacked and mistreated. That is a risk when discussing any issue. It is best when you tell her that lately you feel exhausted, you wish you could help more but that you cannot. And that you guys need to find a way to deal with it together. It seems to me she is craving / needing the security and someone to rely on so when discussing the issue ensure her that you are there, you are not removing yourself.
It is also worth noting that you have had time to think about how you feel and what it is that bothers you, she did not have that luxury. For her it will be the first time, that she hears about that. Give her the time she needs, it will take time to adjust, to figure out what she is feeling and how to address the changes that are necessary.
Lastly, if you two can’t discuss an issue within your relationship in a civil manner it begs the question, is there a point then? Over the years there will be more issues that have to be discussed, problems need solving and if communication fails then there is more hurt coming.
Fantastic response!
I would add it could be worth looking into finding appropriate support groups for both of you (together, individually, or both) as well as some kind of professional counseling to help not only with relationship stuff, but pain mitigation and how you can support her without burning out.
I’ve been trying to bring it up, but it hasn’t been going well, it always sounds like i want a break up, it’s getting so difficult, i hope it’ll get better friend.
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Going through appointments to find out what causes it, and pain meds. Not much else.
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She already does that, usually when she’s at her place, i worry she does some incorrectly as she has been reporting pain in her bones shortly after stretching
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I had that idea, i think now that i have a bit of time on my hands I’ll compile a list of stretches and compile detailed videos or links if i find any, and maybe will see to it that she does them correctly.
If any of the above or none, therapy like acupuncture can be really helpful. Is the source of the pain known?
Aside from solving the issue for her, the issue you have needs to also be addressed and it’s probably best to start with an honest conversation with her, to let her know how you feel. The point of this is to vocalise the thoughts and see if you can both assist to help each other. It can’t always be one way with internalised frustration being withheld, you are a team and she should realise and understand. There’s not much she might be able to do for you, but even if it’s to agree with you and give you a bit of space, to feel like you have the permission to not be “on call” 100%, then you can guilt free start to manage some time for yourself. In the end this is good for both of you because you get the recharge you need to ultimately continue supporting her. Try keep each other on the same side of this thing and you’ll be right, if it starts into a tit for tat thing and you go against each other it’s not going to be beneficial.
An option that may exist depending on where you live and if you don’t have you own support network of family and friends are carer support groups. This can help you talk to others in a similar situation and get some social interaction at the same time.
i kinda don’t really trust acupuncture, we had something similar suggested by her doctor, wanted to strong arm that man for suggesting it.
We’ll hopefully get a better support network soon, but it’ll take a while to show improvements
There’s actually 2 kinds of needle therapy that I know of, the less scientific pressure points one related to Chinese medicine, and the others which is called dry needling which is more clinical, maybe read up on both.
Similar situation here and only recently starting to learn how important the emotional aspect is. Focus on that instead of trying to it physically better.
Ask her about the pain, how is it right now?even (especially) if they have already told you how bad it is 100 times today. Tell them you see how much they are suffering and tell them how horrible that must be for them. Tell them you believe them.
When you use your energy trying to make things better physically you inevitability make things worse if they don’t feel heard and seen and believed.
I’ll do my best to take this to heart, thanks
But please also take care of yourself emotionally, it is really hard to be a caregiver.
Edit: you can actually help them by showing your partner your emotions or even better talking about your emotions instead if pushing your own emotions to the side in order to help them. That could result in you being perceived as uncaring robot who doesnt take their pain serious.
I had a friend just like that. Got tiring hearing him complain all the time, everywhere we went. Ending up avoiding him and encouraging his move when he suggested it. There is just a limit you can be sympathetic to, then it will drive your relationship to end. So the only proven methods to solving your issue is:
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Couples therapy to deal with your feelings and to teach your partner how to communicate their pain.
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Physical therapy to find an workout/exercise routine to help deal with the pain they are feeling. Prescription drugs are only a stop gap method and can lead to addiction and emotional outbursts.
I also went through terrible back pain. Had to walk with a cane and shuffle my feet to get anywhere and I was only 35 at the time. I got over my prejudice against yoga and fully emersed myself in it. Took about a year but with daily (2-3x a day) yoga and then adding in strength training little by little I was able to completely overcome my back issues. Prior to my pain I ran 5miles daily and worked out so it’s not always about health conditions. Today I’m in my mid 40s and I start every day with yoga, box 4x a week, bike 4x a week and my back pains have been non existent so a simple solution can work.
I appreciate someone with similar pains giving feedback about this, puts more of this into perspective, thank you.
Your experience reminds me of this video
I find it it very inspirational to see their journey, with or without the music.
No comment / endorsement on the program or anything, just saying their yoga focused recovery is cool.
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Hey there. In my house, both of us have issues. Pain is a daily part of our lives.
Communication!
The first time you tell her you can’t do X because reasons; you’re going to ( may) feel like an ahole. But here’s the thing, you have another person you’ve already taking care of… yourself. And if you don’t have any downtime to rest you won’t be able to take care of her.
Not justifying being the AH, but have to tell her when you’re running on empty.Talk to her about it. Service like this is hard.
Good luck
Tbh i already feel like an asshole because I’m having a hard time getting through to her, and she’s now feeling so much guilt over this, wish it didn’t have to be so hard.
More info is needed. What is she bringing to the relationship? What are the good parts of the relationship? Because what you described so far sounds like an awful relationship. At only a year together you have no long term commitment to this person, and if being in a relationship with them makes you unhappy then you should end the relationship.
I only told the parts I’ve been having trouble with, of course it will sound like this, this exactly is the reason why relationship advice online has a bad rep for going all “dump them”.
On another comment i said she was my closest friend before being in a relationship with me, i want to keep her, that’s the point of the post.
Is this AITA now?
I’m looking for advice on preserving my relationship, it’s very important to me, I don’t think I’m an asshole, that’s not why I’m here.
Always has been
