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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Outrageous-Buddy6088 on 2023-09-10 12:13:25.
I (33M) have two sisters, “X” (31F) and “Y” (29F). Our parents passed away due to health issues, but Y has unique needs, which I won’t go into. X lives with her husband and their son and daughter, and they had a spare room, so they agreed to let Y move in because it’s also close to Y’s place of work. I’m in a privileged position where I don’t have to worry about struggling financially as I earn a decent income. Due to X taking Y in as a thank-you gesture, I usually pay the bill whenever we meet up.
The thing is there’s a new restaurant that’s opened up in my town and I was having a look at the meal prices and it’s very reasonable; the average meal price is £9.99, extra sides cost between £3.00 and £5.00 whereas drinks are between £1.00 and £4.00 for cold, if you want alcoholic beverages or hot drinks it’s a bit more expensive.
My sisters and I have decided to meet up at this restaurant next Saturday, and my niece, nephew and her husband are also coming. My first thought was that I was going to pay the bill. However, although my sister and her husband earn a decent salary, it’s just enough for their family to live, and they only have a little left over each month until the next paycheck. X had asked to borrow £50.00 two months ago as she was short on a household bill, she’s always paid me back so I agreed and Y asked me a month ago to borrow £30.00. Y always pays me back as well but they still haven’t paid me back.
Due to the fact they owe me money I don’t feel like paying the full bill this time and only paying my bill for the restaurant. However, the reason I came here is because I do feel like I’ll be the asshole because I don’t want to pay the full bill just because they owe me money. Which is why I would appreciate your judgement if I’m the asshole or not as I don’t know what to feel.
If you usually pay the bill and want to change the status quo for whatever reason you should have a discussion well before the lunch date with your sisters informing them of your intentions. That would not make you an asshole.
If you wait for the bill to come and then inform them they will be paying their share, all the while knowing they don’t have the money to pay it would make you the asshole.
In my opinion the lunch dates and the loans are two separate issues and should be treated as such. One has nothing to do with the other.