This community has tons of followers but lacks content. It is up to those of us that follow here to create content. We all have our stories. Here is some of mine.
I’m in my upper 40’s, bisexual, atheist. I’m married to a woman and I have children. She is aware of all of this and knows the story I’m about to tell.
I was raised in a conservative Christian, Southern Baptist church (US, SE). My father was a deacon in the church and lived true to what he believed, from what I could see. He was generally a really great father, with a few exceptions. One big one is that he hated gays. Somehow he justified it against his faith (or with his faith more likely) and would rant against gays in a vitriolic way sometimes. From a young age he taught me that homosexuality was a “sin,” “disgusting,” “sick,” “perverse.” Even prepubescently, I prayed that I wouldn’t be gay. Even that young, I worried about it a little too much.
I had already experimented and played around with a few of my friends. I already liked it. I liked the way my friend looked naked. It turned me on. Now my dad is telling me that makes me unlovable and broken. He once said gays should be committed. I really wanted him to still love me. I stuffed all the gay thoughts down deep inside.
I suppose its lucky for me that I am bisexual. I often think that gay people and trans people have it harder, generally. I was able to lean into my sexuality with women and publicly was a cisgender straight man. I believed it mostly. I considered myself bisexual secretly, eventually, but there has long been a block that kept me from really acknowledging it. It seems crazy that I just came to terms with my sexuality in the last few years.
Backing up to the beginning; I always knew I was bi. Even as a child. My first memory is of a childhood friend. We experimented with each other when no one was looking. In the end he didn’t want to go further so we didn’t (we were really young, pre teen age) so we didn’t. A few years later I met another boy in our neighborhood. He was like me and didn’t want to stop where my other friend did. This time I balked. My dad’s rants were happening throughout this process. I kept him at arms distance after a few encounters that we had where I was upset at how much I liked it.
Into my early teens, I had a church friend that loved to wrestle with me on his trampoline. I only now understand everything that I felt when he and I were wrestling around and laughing. I wanted him but it was all strictly forbidden, the trampoline in the sight line of his mom’s kitchen window.
Late teens I had stuffed it all back down more but it came out with my buddy that I got high with. We’d get super stoned and party with other girls and boys from my high school. When I’d get super baked I couldn’t help it. I wanted to kiss him so bad. But it freaked me out and I recoiled, stuffing it all down again. My dad wouldn’t love me if I was gay. Move away.
Many series of misses follow. It makes me sick to think about because I denied a whole part of myself throughout my life.
18 - hooked up with a guy but not really the right guy. Left the encounter more confused. Liked it but didn’t like him.
22-26 -I had several opportunities that I missed. My father died at the beginning of that stretch and I started taking a bunch of ecstacy, amphetamines, and cocaine and drinking heavily. That trajectory put me in contact with the gay community in the town I was in. What do you know, I fit right in. I did have a tryst or two, I sucked some dicks and got my dick sucked, but we were so high that still, my fucked up brain tried to write it off. I did realize during that time that I was bi but I rationalized that everyone was probably bi to some degree.
I got clean in my 20s and my life stabilized. I met a woman that loves me and we had children, all of whom are turning out awesome. Now stable with my father long dead, I realize that other side of me is right there. It started a few years ago and I finally see it in focus. I’m an older man who just realized this is an important part of me that I stuffed down. It feels like it needs to come out. I’ve come to terms with it mentally (finally) but am mourning not coming to terms with it physically, when I was younger and hotter.
I still enjoy sex with my wife and am really grateful for her. I also want sex from men I meet. Objectively, I feel that about women I meet too. I am bisexual. If I asked my wife to let me experiment she probably would. I don’t want to risk losing her though. It feels like a slippery slope but I suppose I’m already on it. Still I’ve been monogamous my entire life and will likely stay this way. Kind of hoped this would help someone else, younger, that might read it. Figure it out for yourself sooner than I did.
There is obv much of the story I am skipping over but that is enough for one rant. I’m happy to discuss or fill in missing pieces if there is interest. I’d love to hear someone else’s story? What happened in your life?
You must log in or register to comment.
Thank you so much for sharing! Interesting read. I’m so sorry you were shamed this much early in life. That stuff stays with you for a long time.
Have you researched polyamory? It kinda sounds like you could be poly, being in a good relationship but also wanting to pursue your attraction towards others. It’s a perfectly fine way to have a relationship/ relationships, it just requires a lot of communication and for everyone to be on board!
My story, if you’re interested :) I’m nearing 30.
I didn’t grow up in an environment that was necessarily unsafe for queers, just suuuper cis-heteronormative. There were two openly queer people in my year in high school and as far as everyone else was concerned, that was those peoples entire personality. Out of my friends from high school that I’ve kept on touch with, 4/5 realized they were queer in their early 20s. That should tell you what kind of an environment that was. We were already singled out and not well liked because we weren’t as wealthy as most of the students there, so it just wasn’t emotionally safe to be different in additional ways. This was a public high school that was hard to get into, requiring top grades and interviews to attend.
Same story in my home town (I commuted to high school because there were better schools in the nearby city, so they’re desperate places). One of my friends from there came out as lesbian at about 16 (she’s since realized she’s bi). It was the talk of the town. People had theories about what ‘caused’ it, such as her parents’ divorce or her step father having a strong preference for sons over daughters. My mum would always say things like how she hoped her kids were straight, not that she wasn’t ok with it, she just didn’t want us to have it as hard as that girl.
I’m something like demi sexual too, which made it harder to figure out. In retrospect, I realize that I’ve had crushes on friends or classmates as a teen, but I just explained them to myself as omg she’s so pretty and fun and smart, I want to be super close friends with her and also be like her. I don’t think I had crushes on boys. But because of the Demi thing, I never had any sexual urges towards any of them. I guess I was vaguely horny, but that wasn’t directed at people, more like just a hormonal thing. The rare times that I masturbated, I wouldn’t think of or look at humans, let alone sex.
First time I experienced sexual attraction was after I started seeing my first bf the first year of college. He asked me out, I liked him as a person so I agreed. The sexual attraction developed during the dating process. I was in a relationship with him age ~19-25, so I didn’t have opportunity to explore my sexuality with others. But after I realized that this was how attraction worked for me, I did a lot of thinking about myself and had conversations with my best friend, whose experience was similar. I guess that’s how I realized I was bi (and so did my best friend).
I was single for a year in my mid twenties. I dated a little, made out with people at parties, had a few casual encounters. I realized that my attraction towards fem people can be more immediate, but I still need to know them at least a tiny bit, like have a chat for a good while. With masc people, the sexual attraction pretty much HAS to follow romantic attraction. I casually dated a guy for a bit, I didn’t like him in a romantic way at all, and sex with him felt off. Sex didn’t feel off with the women I slept with, though they were acquaintances, and neither did it feel off with my ex or my current, male, partner.
I’m very comfortable with myself these days and very open about my identity. I think it did help that I was openly bi before I got together with my current (and hopefully forever) boyfriend. We do have to have some conversations about me not identifying as a woman (not as any gender, in fact) and what that means for his sexuality. He doesn’t have to label himself, he can even keep calling himself heterosexual as far as I’m concerned (and it isn’t anyone else’s concern either!) because he loves me for who I am and sees me and my identity the same way I see myself. We just need to check in every once in a while.
All in all, I’m very happy and content about my queer identity. It’s greatly helped to have two very close friends who went through similar things. Like, same school, similar experience in the community, similar timeline in coming out. I’ve also been lucky to have had private access to the internet from age 15 onwards. Online communities and resources can help tremendously.
You are not the first person to suggest polyamory to me after hearing that story. I have considered (am considering) it. My hesitations are mainly myself and not my partner. Somehow I feel like she’d have an easier time than me with it. I’ve always been monogamous. I’ve had periods of time when I was single, earlier in life, but even then, it was one person at a time. Polyamory would be all new territory for me.
I find that I need some form of connection with a person to be sexual with them. I had chances to be super promiscuous in my 20’s but it never appealed to me. I need to know the person a bit before we start anything sexual. I think that goes for masc and fem attractions for me. Even in my fantasies, me and the guy are coming back from having a drink to his place or he is offering me a massage. Sex for me is personal. I was attracted to a guy at the supermarket the other day just because he was a single dad and had missed a part of his own hair when shaving his head (in the back). I wanted to help him cut his hair, rub his shoulders, and tell him he was doing a good job , and then I had him naked (in my mind ofc), before he was done paying.
I can’t figure out how to work this into my marriage though. My wife’s libido is lower than mine and we both know it. I don’t want a conversation to make her feel inadequate. This isn’t about any failing of hers, she is incredible. I don’t want to ruin what I have by going after more. Also, I am who I am.
My story, if you’re interested :)
Thank you for your story! I really enjoyed reading it. I am interested and definitely want more. I’ve been hyper sexual most of my life so I’m intrigued that you didn’t really feel sexual attraction until your 20’s. Tell me more about what demi means to you. I have a younger family member that identifies as demi and I’d like to understand that better. Anything else you’d like to share is welcome also.
If you wouldn’t do things with another woman then don’t look for another man to do them with. You guys decide what to do, but to me monogamy is monogamy no matter what you are attracted to. So if the only reason is you feel you missed out on getting railed by a fat cock, that’s not a strong enough one for risking your marriage.
Not judging, just chiming in that if you and your wife are still in love, don’t risk that relationship. She may agree to something even if she’s uneasy about it just out of love for you. So please be careful. It is a slippery slope, it can lead to irrevocable damage. There are enough divorces and split homes as it is. Good luck either way though. 🙂
Thank you. I appreciate the perspective. It’s a valid point.
if the only reason is you feel you missed out on getting railed by a fat cock, that’s not a strong enough one for risking your marriage.
I agree but it is a bit more than just feeling like I missed out. My wife is bi also and has 2 guy fantasies. If I got lucky and found a bi guy that would play with both of us, it’d be the best way to dip our toes in the water. I’m not going to take big risks though and I’ll only do things my wife is fully on board for.
Thanks for taking it well, rereading it I think I may have written in way that wasn’t indicative of my intended tone. I meant it in a friendly way.
Ultimately it’s up to you two and how you both feel about things. Internet people can only get a gist of your life and perspectives. Just be cognizant of how these choices can affect each of you emotionally and decide if you have the emotional stability and maturity to handle the situation, be prepared and completely cool and ready to stop if one of you gets cold feet right as things get started or in the middle. Be prepared to be unsatisfied in one way or another. It may go swimmingly but be mentally prepared to handle things if it’s not. Relationships can be heavily tested with adventures and moments like this. Insecurties come out the woodwork and little things can become big. From one internet stranger to another, I want you both to be safe, happy, and satisfied, no matter how things go. It’s a lot to think on and I don’t envy you. But if things work out, congrats and enjoy!
I found out I was bisexual when I was 23 or so, in 1998. I was in the U.S. Navy. I was a submariner. There was a guy named J.J. that I was hanging out with a lot. Not so much off the boat, but when we were on watch together or underway we’d talk. I had a dim realization that I really liked hanging out with him and talking, a little more than I did with other people, but it was nowhere near a realization of what was to come. I was walking back to the barracks one afternoon with another one of my shipmates, and he said something about J.J. being “funny” or “bent” or some such euphemism. Something hit me. I carefully asked him what he meant. He said, “Oh, he’s gay.” … Holy cow it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that instant that I was attracted to J.J. and that that was what I’d been feeling around him.
I had known that I was into girls, but this guy thing was new to me. I spent a good year or two after that questioning my sexuality and experimenting (in my head) with what actually I was into. But really, that moment when I realized I’d been attracted to J.J. was all it took. I knew then I was bi, and all the questioning and exploring since has only confirmed it over and over again.
I did, though, start piecing together some past experiences. For example, I had another shipmate who was quite swishy. Definitely gay, especially considering that this was during the U.S. military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” period. To be that outwardly gay at that time meant you couldn’t act straight even if you wanted to, because you’d definitely want to. He got a brick through his windshield once, and I’m sure he often felt unsafe. But anyway, there was an instance some time prior where I was standing somewhere and as he passed me by he poked me in the stomach and said something cute. It made me feel good, even though I wasn’t attracted to him. But I didn’t make the connection then that I was queer.
And then there was the neighbor boy when I was in high school. So cute! He played guitar and had long hair. I liked when he came around and I remembered feeling a certain way around him. I even bought him a magazine about his favorite musician and delivered it to his house a day or two before I left for the Navy. Boys giving gifts to other boys? Who does that? I did.
Oh, and the time I wrote a short story about a sexual encounter between two people from the perspective of the woman, and then my homophobic dad found it in my pants pocket. He wasn’t very happy. He called me a faggot. You’d’ve thought that I would have started questioning my sexuality at that point, but no. I was oblivious. Maybe autism had something to do with that.
It’s been twenty-some years now, and I’ve had wonderful experiences with both guys and gals. I like being bisexual. It’s just a part of me that I get to experience, and it’s a community of people that are cool to be around. The world of LGBT people has changed a lot since I came out to myself. I never actually hid my sexuality from anyone ever, but that was made easier by the fact that I’m fairly straight acting and I do still like women, so I pass as straight easily, even when I don’t want to. But nowadays you almost don’t have to hide it anyway. It seems like people don’t need to pass their whole lives now in the closet. At least not after becoming an adult.
I’ve told upfront every partner I’ve been with since. I told my Dad before he passed away. He was okay with it, I think. He was already thinking about his mortality at that point, so he didn’t have much energy left for hate. I told my Mom. She was a little uncomfortable with it, but embraced me and told me she loved me. I’ve spent time at any Pride Center I’ve been around, and I was on the board of the Pride Center in the last place I lived.
It’s now very common for people to call themselves “pansexual” instead of “bisexual”. I asked my last girlfriend what she meant when she said she was pansexual. She tried to explain it, but it just sounded like bisexual to me. She told me that bi people only like cis men and cis women. That’s demonstrably not true, but she didn’t appreciate it when I told her that. (Ah yes, still an aspie, I am.) When I say bi, I just mean that I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree. Nowhere in my understanding of being bi does being cis or trans come in. And that’s how I understand the pansexual identity as well. I’ve also since had a few periods of gender fluidity, but nothing lasting, and I am polyamorous.
And proud!
It’s interesting reading people’s stories about this. Honestly, I’ve always felt like a bit of an imposter in the gay community because I’m mostly hetero, but every now and then there is this… Spark. I’ve never really known what to do about it. I don’t have enough experience dating generally to make the Right moves with either sex.
Thank you for the reply. You should be proud! Sounds like a life well lived so far and you make me wish I’d joined the Navy, lol. You understood yourself better than I did back then. Around 23 I met a gay guy named Shane in the Meth/Ecstasy world. He was so sexy, and built too. I didn’t understand yet at that point at all but looking back, he kept offering to take me on the journey. Part of me wishes I’d listened but I do love my children and life would have turned out differently if I’d had an awakening in 1998, sitting on Shane’s couch, him next to me with his shirt off, with him asking: “Are you sure you’re not at least bi? I swear I feel it off of you buddy.” Instead, my old man still fresh in my head then, I made an excuse to leave, keeping it strictly business. He looked sad and disappointed and I felt the same as I left. I felt the rush from the attention from him and there was always attraction between us, the twink straight man and the buff, out and proud, gay man. I chose what I chose but I regret what I clearly missed.
About the “pansexual” bit, I see your point. My understanding is that pansexual means possible sexual attraction regardless of sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity. It sounds like you define bisexual similarly. It seems like its just semantics. I’d say by my definition above I am pansexual also. I am also attracted to some trans folks I’ve met. It seems like the term seeks to broaden the classic definition of bisexual.