I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.
I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.
What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.
He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Why am I like this?
The easy way: one word answers to everything. This can include just saying yup or nope to every response. I am the kind of person to lean in on obnoxious responses while very much not paying attention.
The hard way: get HR involved. Inappropriate attempts to get close to you count.
Example of solution 1: https://youtube.com/shorts/KdmMiZqskzc?si=AxAqzBSU3nYYvOS2
Fight fire with fire. Figure out which topic he doesn’t care about, and start talking about it all the time. Like, literally all the time when he is in the vicinity.
Could be a new hobby like flying a kite or an obscure interest like the history green colors used in the textile industry. Ideally, you would pick something you can imagine yourself being passionate about. Look up some videos on how autistic people talk about their favorite topic, and you’ll get the idea.
These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.
Just gonna be blunt… meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.
If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.
That depends on the type of work OP does and when exactly are they adopting the yoga stance. People can do whatever they want during breaks.
But ultimately I agree with your last sentence.
Everyone’s different, you sound like you may loathe this person, but regardless work is not recreation. If needless social interactions are impacting your ability to work, consider talking to your supervisor. Speaking directly to your coworker may offend, exacerbating the issue for you. Give your supervisor an opportunity to resolve it, who should have more experience and/or training in dealing with conflict.
Why do people seem to have such a hard time with being direct? Just tell him to leave you alone, if you hurt his feelings it’s not your problem.
It’s the simple things in life… always the simple things. Have you ever said the simple things to him?
“Be quiet now.”
“Leave me alone.”
(and after his response, whatever it is, you be quiet yourself)
What?? Imagine telling anyone to “be quiet now”. That’s plainly rude and won’t help
It’s important to be honest and polite. “I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I’d be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please”
That’s plainly rude and won’t help
If it is rude in your culture, you should find the appropriate way of expression
“I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I’d be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please”
But that won’t help either, because it makes too many words. By far.
It is essential to stay absolutely focused in such cases. You want something, so you say what you want, and nothing else. And then silence.
Silence is your goal.
Nothing about what you yourself are doing, only what you want the other one to do. Nothing about coffee and nothing about last year’s vacation on that beautiful island in the sun with the bowling club and how drunk they all were… The barest minimum is the right amount of politeness.
But what if they aren’t happy to chat on their coffee breaks either?
What you’re suggesting is basically just hitting the snooze button. “I’m sorry but I’m just the type of person who don’t do small talk.” in a polite but firm manner have worked wonders for me before.
He’s an energy vampire. Tread carefully.
Colin Robinson
Needs some updog.
Dang, all I got is this cowbell…
What’s cowbell?
Unclear, but I definitely need more
“I am focused on task x and cannot talk to you”.
Does he have a job to do or is he just there to pester people with smalltalk?
Tell him you have trouble focusing on your work if you stop to talk too often. Tell him you’re trying to finish x, y, z, etc, and after doing that enough hopefully he gets the message.
Best to be direct. Fake responses just dog deeper paths.
What are you working on. Oh I’ll help you. Sure I’ll be back on ten. Yeah I’m busy too buy you gotta take breaks. Hey did you catch thst movie.
If the person is so dense they dont know there bothering somone there not the type of person to get subtle hints.
I have ADHD, so this is something I genuinely use. It usually works, but I’ve only dealt with this type of person once.
I had to keep reinforcing it and it was never perfect, but it did get better.
Happy cake day!
I once had a co-worker like this named Andrew. One morning, while he scrambled to fill any moments of silence, I told him “Andrew, silence is ok sometimes” and went back to my work. He was significantly less annoying to work with afterwards.
I probably came off as a bit of a dick, though it wasn’t my intention.
Are you lactose intolerant? Can you fighter or the ideal amount of milk to drink such that you get the death toots but not the vanilla sharts? Next time he stops by, send him a stinky. A really foul one.
Headphones. Headphones are an excellent tool for isolation in a workplace because they don’t raise objections or cause friction like saying you’re uninterested but they tend to be very effective at deflection.
Just get a nice big obvious pair of headphones and put them on when he might come by and, if he waves or something just immediately respond with “Sorry, I’m in the middle of this can you message me?”
me: (with my headphones put on)
colleague: what are you listening to?
me: (speechless)
16 hours of silence.
16 hours of brown noise
Taking pooping on the bosses dime to the MAXXXX.
And if they have the feature you could leave them in Tranparency mode, allowing you still hear everything going on as if you weren’t wearing them.
Half the time when I’m wearing headphones they aren’t even turned on.
I did this and when he’d talk I acted like I didn’t hear him. Worked for me
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Imagine someone has a huge booger hanging out of their nose. It might be embarassing that you point it out to them, but it’s a lot more embarassing if they walk around with the booger hanging there. It’s the same with this. If you’re polite but direct, there’s nothing to feel bad about, you’re helping the guy learn where the line is.
You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.
I don’t think there’s any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you’re alright, but that you’re just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it’s nothing personal, but that’s just who you are and you’ll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you’re feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.
