Aunt: I’m going to Walmart, do you need anything?
Me: no thanks, I’m going there later to do some shopping myself
Aunt: But we could combine trips! It’s wasteful to both drive there on the same day! The responsible thing to do—
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
Aunt: Ok!!! :)) Which ones? And what isle? What color is the package—
Me: exasperated Are you serious? I caved and gave you what you wanted. Now you’re asking for more information? I told you I wanted to do my own shopping, and you fought me on it. I’m making a peace offering by giving you two items to buy for me, and you’re saying I need to go find the names and package colors and isle numbers? Please just be satisfied with what I gave you.
The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don’t want that. That’s the disagreement.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here: she can’t buy the right item if I don’t tell her what it is. But I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her. I’m giving her something she wanted, something I wanted for myself, and she’s demanding more.
You should have just said you didn’t care about the details. It’s Christmas and you are being a dick. “I give up” and the rant just makes it seem like pure snark. You should learn to communicate without being mean about it.
Doing two separate trips is dumb and when she offered to just do it for you, you were an ass about it. Judging by your other comments, I don’t think you are looking for real insight here though.
Why “should” I have offered more detail, when I didn’t care about the details? I was already caving and giving her something she wanted, something that directly conflicted with what I wanted. And I did it politely. I didn’t “rant” until she asked for something more, after I already conceded. This isn’t a gotcha. I’m asking for your input here. Why am I a jerk for not giving more, when I already caved?
Stating that you don’t care about the details is all you had to do. She asked you a completely logical followup question. She was trying to do you a favor. Yes, you are the jerk here.
Why do I “have” to give that much info? Why doesn’t she “have” to understand from context that those details aren’t important? It seems like you’re putting the social responsibility of her understanding on me and I’m confused as to why.
Also, and not to be rude, I wasn’t asking you for details, I was asking Grimy. Sorry. Their answer is important to me.
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
What context is there for her to draw from?
It seems like you’re putting the social responsibility of her understanding on me and I’m confused as to why.
She asked you as simple question that had a simple answer. You spent more time getting angry than you would have just answering the question. It was a very reasonable question for her to ask. This is a normal interaction between two people. You are the one being unreasonable, if your explanation of events is accurate.
Also, and not to be rude, I wasn’t asking you for details, I was asking Grimy.
You’re posting in a public forum. Would it have been more palatable to you if I had posted it as a top-level reply, instead?
You don’t “have” to do anything but being respectful in how you communicate is literally the minimum. People can’t guess what you’re thinking and if this is the attitude you want to project on the world, you will be here often asking if you are a jerk. You didn’t “have” to be a dick either.
Act like an adult and apologize. Don’t be snarky with your own family.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “why do I have to give that much info?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer.
Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
I literally could not care less. The fact that you’re still thinking about this says more about you than it does about me, I think.
Why not followup with - ‘it doesn’t matter the color brand flavor or type of litter, and the pet cat isle, thanks you for grabbing these items for me’.
I don’t see why you’d get upset with a logical follow-up clarification question
There is more backstory I recon. Also poster is likely on the spectrum.
“reckon” not “recon”. Your casual misuse of language suggests you’re not qualified to diagnose anyone’s mental health, but I’m not interested in anything you’d be offering anyway. Have a day. 🫱
Please go to therapy.
It’s “aisle,” not “isle,” by the way.
Pobrecita
I didn’t follow up because I was already pushed past my limit. My aunt and I disagreed because we both wanted a thing, and only one of us could have it. I caved and gave it to her, and she asked for more.
I got upset with a logical follow-up clarification question for the reason in my original post (lol): “I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her.”
Then you should be saying that to your aunt, instead of losing your patience. People aren’t MIND readers. It is as easy as “I will use any brands you buy.”
If you get this irate over normal life (consistantly), then you should talk to a professional.
Edit: asks if I’m the asshole? Gets irate when people say yes. :). If the issue is your aunt being overbearing check out the DEARMAN principle. It will help you with relations.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “I should? What else should I be doing in this relationship?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Your last comment to me a month ago was that you blocked me on your instance.
LOL now you want a reply?
As you can see by all your downvotes, in every thread here, your opinion does not match the general population ~ to whom you posed your original question. A rational person would deduce that they themselves may be in the wrong if their opinion is not so widely shared.
As the other responder clearly stated you are only looking for validation when your feelings were troubling you, you don’t actually want advice on how to interact better. So time to move on from this topic.
I should? What else should I be doing in this relationship? Lol. You keep saying I should get help, but I think you’re got a weird idea about what help is. Seems like your idea of “help” is minimizing other people’s pain and ignoring context when it’s convenient. I’ll pass, thanks. I’m going to ban you from my instance so you won’t be able to respond like this any further, it’s hurtful and I deserve better.
I can’t interpret your comments in this thread any other way than that you are seeking not help, but validation for your unwillingness to grow.
The idea of help you’re complaining about is quite consistent with good help according to the local lemmyites it seems, and I have to agree. Are you quite sure you’re not minimizing others pain and ignoring context when it’s convenient for you? Just because your pain is real does not mean you are free of responsibility.
This is exactly the kind of thing professional help is ideal for. Let an expert guide you in discovering ways you might change your views and behavior such that your needs are better met. Shaking your fist at the world isn’t going to make you one iota happier, no matter how well justified your anger might be.
Somebody asked you if you wanted help and you blew up on them. If that isn’t a sign of change needed idk what is. Regardless of what is happening, it’s no way to treat people and you will push the people you love the most with your attitude. Take it from someone who immediately recognized the situation, you’ll need to mitigate something or you will be unhappy. Best of luck, you probably won’t even read this lol.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here
From posting that and fighting against everyone who disagreed with you here it seems like you already knew you messed up and are just posting here seeking for validation.
As much as you and I hate it social interaction isn’t purely logical or transectional. It’s not like a videogame where if you do this then the other character should do that. It’s messy and there are many unspoken rules and it can change from person to person. If you truly want to learn how to be more so sociable and truly reflect if you’d been an asshole then, take some advice from the comments. Learn to say no more gently, learn to see and anticipate what others need, etc.
it seems like you already knew you messed up
I’m sorry but this is wrong, despite what it seemed like. I’m trying to get some outside perspective; that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to accept hurtful speculation about my relationship. If someone offers me a glass of beer with piss in it, I’m not required to extend gratitude. If you sense me “fighting against everyone who disagreed with me” then you can keep your beer. Scroll down friend, I’ve gotten what I needed from people with better emotional regulation than you. Some of the folks that I disagreed with in this post have offered insight for which I’ve responded appropriately. This isn’t about you, stop being a dick.
Do you hear how adversarial you are here? You’re actually insulting someone and acting like you have the high moral ground.
Buddy, I’m not sure if you should be criticizing someone else’s emotional regulation.
Yes
Why? What part of my behavior was jerky?
The parts that made you go “I should ask the internet about this”.
Are you the same person as Crackhappy? I was asking them for details about their answer. I’m not sure if your instance allows multiboxing but if not you might consider logging in with the correct account before posting.
Are you high? Why would you simply assume someone responding in the same thread was the same user you last interacted with.
There is more than one person on the internet.
If I had said “Yes”, I would have ended it with a period.
Why did you come here and ask a question if you were simply going to ignore all of the answers?
Have you considered being less of a jerk in your day to day life?
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “Are you the same person as Crackhappy?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Again, are you high? Mentally unstable? Have you never had anybody just walk away from you because you’re an annoying fuck? You’re an annoying fuck.
NO, I’m not the same person, but there’s no point in telling some moron like you that because when you’re done reading what I have typed, your little fantasy narrative is going to take over and you will interpret it however the fuck you want because you’re a wackjob. So enjoy that lunacy, because I don’t give a fuck what you think about who I am or what I post. Get a fucking life.
Yep
Just say “I haven’t made my whole shopping list yet, so I’ll just go later when I’m prepared”
Why say yes? Because I didn’t say what you would have said?
The reason I didn’t say that was because she argued with me about both making separate trips. That’s the disagreement. She was not satisfied with the idea of me “going later when I’m prepared” and fought me on it.
Very much so
Goodness! That’s a lot! Why do you think it’s so severe?
Because someone who seems to care about you is trying to help and you wish only to belittle them and their good nature. Pure jerk vibes.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t responded to my point.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer me means your position cannot withstand scrutiny.
I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
It’s been a rough month dude. Ever since your post, I realised I needed to change my perspective and I’ve been happier ever since!
Now every time someone wants to help me, I yell at them and call them a selfish piece of shit. It’s awesome! Also, I joined my local council to make sure that all the local NGOs who enjoy helping others don’t receive any further funding because, just yuck! I tore up the local schools because there was a teacher there who once thought she was being nice by trying to make kid’s lives better, even though the kids didn’t want her help.
It was a lot of hard work to achieve this all within a month, but thank you for showing me the light and how to be a giant turd. . . . . . . . .
Also, I did reply to you, you absolute turtle.
“I want x from you”
“No, I don’t want to give you x”
“Argument”
The specifics of x (in this case, buying something for someone else) aren’t relevant. Saying that the person who demands x is caring and the person who wants to keep it is belittling their good nature doesn’t make any sense and I doubt I’ll ever understand your quality of thinking but thanks for trying, I guess. 🫱
Do you often play the victim in life?
I’m going down to this level, because none of your arguments are made in good faith… You seem like an absolute spoilt cunt.
I don’t know all about your relationship. Looking at this situation in a vacuum, I think it was kind of her to try to be sure she can buy the right items for you. You didn’t match that kindness. You could have, in a more neutral manner, told her that you don’t need anything specific and that anything from the section will do.
I would disagree by saying that giving her what she wanted, even though I wanted the opposite, was kind. But thanks for your response.
You to have a skewed outlook or some bias. A person offering to save you a trip is a kindness, you seeing as “giving her what SHE wanted” is a very odd take. If all your relations with people are like this, then common factor theory points to you being the issue. Professional help can improve all those situations you may be dealing with.
All of my relationships are not like this – that’s why I’ve only ever posted about this one relationship. Where did you get that from? If reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit, maybe you could reach out to your educational facility for a refund, assuming you paid for it.
You should check yours, notice myconditional statement of IF? And right away you attack, you are just proving a point.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “Where did you get that from?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
In such a situation, just lie.
“Need anything from the store?”
“No” (private subtext, I just want to do my own shopping and have some time out of the house)
Later… Once they are home:
“See you in a bit, I need to got the store. Silly me didn’t think of a few things I needed when you asked earlier. Bye”
I wish I had done this instead. It feels so shady, but I think it’s the least harmful way of avoiding these types of conflicts. Ugh. Thanks. I’ll consider it for the next time.
Remember it’s hardly a lie because they have an unspoken part of their question:
"Want anything from the store [that you want me to get for you… Including sufficient detail for me to find and select it]?
So think of your white lie “no” as more addressing the latter part
Imagine you needed something very very expensive, or something that takes a long time for the staff to make. You shouldn’t expect someone to front the money or wait a long time, if you are capable of doing it yourself.
Just saying it isn’t really shady, it’s just a social adjustment
White lies are social grease
Yes you are. Not caring about those details? You don’t deserve your cat.
I never said I was going to feed the item to my cat. I said I was giving my aunt an item so she would be satisfied. Does that make sense?
What an absolutely weird thing to be lying about.
I think most of us would just be honest with our aunt about what we need. Or just travel together.
I’m not lying and won’t fall for your bait; you’re trying to put me on the defensive and get me to offer more context by insulting me. Pound sand.
you’re trying to put me on the defensive
Judging only by your responses in this thread, you seem to have no difficulty going on the defensive, even when it doesn’t seem to be warranted.
So your plan for satisfying your aunt’s presumed intent to reduce waste is to create more waste? That’s still in the “jerk” zone. Could even be considered petty.
I don’t get to act on presumed intent, I get to act on present behavior. We’d all be a mess if we were obligated to guess what everyone else wanted. And the behavior was, “I want to buy something for you” --> my agreement --> “that’s not enough for me, give me more”. Notice that waste never came into the discussion, even after the conversation ended with me cancelling the purchase of the products, which you could have intuited meant there would be no waste
Aunt: But we could combine trips! It’s wasteful to both drive there on the same day! The responsible thing to do—
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
Aunt: Ok!!! :)) Which ones? And what isle? What color is the package—
It’s wasteful for both of you to drive there separately, therefore her intent isn’t something to be guessed. It’s laid out quite plainly in front of you.
You offered the cat products for her to purchase. It’s not something she asked for specifically from the conversation you have shared here.
Not her cat. She doesn’t know what brands your cat likes or what they look like. It’s very reasonable to ask for this kind of details in case what she chooses to buy isn’t agreeable to your cat.
However, you’re fully in your right to choose not to socialize. You just did it wrong this time.
Your mistake was the first answer.
Me: no thanks, I’m going there later to do some shopping myself
You engaged and set the tone. What followed was a complete wreck. Honestly, you and your aunt are on different wavelengths in terms of social customs. Blame it on a generational thing if you don’t get why and leave it at that.
All in all, you should have probably stopped with “no thanks.” Everything said after had you make trouble for yourself without reason.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered me.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer me means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
You were going to eat the cat snacks yourself then?
Yup
Why do you think so?
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “why do you think so?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Yes.
No, that’s fine. You’re allowed to think those things to yourself. We all do from time to time. Just don’t fucking say it out loud, obviously. Can you imagine??
Very much yes. It sounds like you’re going to find something, anything to lash out at her about. If she came home with the wrong ones it would be that.
Edit: but also, she should respect your wishes if you want to do your own shopping
Thanks for the edit. I’m validated to know that a double-read was necessary to fully understand my position.
IMO it’s nice she asked, but she should be able to take no for an answer. Insisting is kind of weird tbh. If you have your own means of getting there and not using her car/gas for example then she should drop it after the no.
Your feelings are valid!
oh my god thanks.
That discussion is way fewer iterations than when I’m over and having it with my parents, and you’re spending way more energy on it than needed. In the end it’s just a back-and-forth non-sappy silly “I care about you”, and reacting as you did is basically replying “Fuck you and your caring”. Yeah, you’re a jerk, or socially inept.
This is how my responses would be: “Not now, thanks”, “Nah, anything I should look at while you’re gone?”, " Nah", “Nah”, " Nah", “Nah, bye”.
Also I fail to see how you could not care about the type of litter. Clumping/non-clumping/silicate/pellets are all so different to use. Poor kitty.
I get it. It’s a pain when people offer help that makes more mental load or work for you.
Do you know if you’re neurodiverse? That sounds like maybe a meltdown. I have people in my life that have only two modes: ok and not ok. The difference can be .000002 over the line into not ok but there isn’t a correlation between the amount over the line and the amount of not ok. It’s good or bad and nothing is between.
