To start: no, there are no “trusted male figures” in our lives. My brothers & father are all conservative, and I DO NOT trust them to properly explain things without shame and/or religious context.
My son knows the basics of reproduction, but I’ve never really explained what’s “normal” things for a teenage boy to go through… mainly because I don’t know!
I’ve definitely put it off, so he’s almost 14 and is much more physically mature than most of his peers (he’s got hair in places, shaves his face regularly, etc.)… but I’m embarrassed to admit that I know next to nothing about anything else…
Could y’all help me out? What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
Many thanks to anyone who can help. Please don’t be unkind. Much appreciated.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the advice so far!! Please keep it up!!
My son & I have very open communication & a very good relationship.
At some point. For the love of all that is holy you MUST tell you son the following: Never come in a woman unless you want a baby. Even if she tells you to. Even if she claims she is protected.
NEVER COME IN A WOMAN WITH WHOM YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A BABY
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
Aside from basic biological stuff, trust and consent. Consent is required. Trust no one you don’t know extremely well and are in a committed relationship (especially as regards protection and contraception).
I wonder if educational videos exist on this. I assume so somewhere. As a dude in his 40s not having kids, I thought “maybe I should reach out to volunteer to help” but, at the same time, realize there are so many weirdos on the internet I would always say no in the same circumstance. Maybe if there are no educational vids, I could try to create something.
Raising kids is hard. Good on you for trying to do things properly. Best of luck!
What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
As a male, not much really happens, other than feeling grumpy as hell pretty much all the time, an undeserved sense of superiority after realizing how logic works, and a fucking intense sex drive. I cannot stress the last part enough, teenage boys are a horny bunch and, thanks to the internet, will probably masturbate multiple times a day. What you should tell him, and hope it enters his brain, is that the more porn he consumes, the less likely he’ll be to feel satisfied with actual sex, which can lead to disappointing relationships later on.
Another couple of comments said to “knock before entering his room”. If you want to “assert authority”, open without knocking and, if you catch him in the act, just nonchalantly tell him to “do it elsewhere and clean up properly” - if anything, teach him to wipe it dry and don’t use water to clean up. He will feel ashamed from being caught, but if you, as his mother, treats it as something natural and expected, hopefully he’ll get the right idea that, yes, that is something to be done in privacy, but not necessarily something to feel ashamed of.
Talk about sex. Tell him that he must wear a condom when he does it and to keep a bottle of lube to help (water based lube only, oils will wreck condoms)
Lastly, if he ever brings a girlfriend home, tell her to only do it with a condom and to not accept any of his possible excuses to not use one.
There are these things called books…
Male puberty happens a bit later than female puberty; at almost 14 he’s either in the thick of it or just about done.
I don’t think male puberty is quite as “what the Lovecraftian fuck is happening to me right now” as female puberty. His voice either has or will drop, this isn’t physically painful but it’s not fun how people react to it sometimes.
He is going to GROW. When I was 15 I outgrew a pair of shoes overnight. Came home from school one day, took my shoes off, went to bed. Woke up the next morning, those same shoes didn’t fit. In the next couple years he’s probably going to have some joint or bone aches just from growing so much. My parents fed me Tylenol which did basically nothing, I’m not convinced Tylenol works. It’ll slow down by the time he’s out of high school but where girls are pretty much at adult size at 18 boys will keep growing a bit into their early 20s.
He’s gonna get stronger. Sometimes it’s going to sneak up on him; prepare for the occasional moments of didn’t know his own strength style clumsiness.
Physical activity is a good idea; sports, marching band, shop class, if you can get him up and moving during the day and not packed into a classroom it’ll be good for his brain. Boys don’t really do well sitting in a classroom all day.
For the above three reasons he is going to have a VORACIOUS appetite. I ate 5,000 calories a day and struggled to gain weight in high school. Let the kid eat. A hungry teen is an angry teen. Somewhere around 19 or 20, either in college or in the get a job part of life, that growth spurt is tapering off and there’s less physical activity inherent in life, so the need for calories is going to decrease but his ordering habits won’t. 19 years old is about time to start ordering medium combo meals.
You can expect a certain amount of teenage moodiness; his brain is rewiring itself. He’ll have feelings. Society isn’t okay with this. He’ll learn how to express nothing but anger or amusement. This is ultimately for the best; once he’s an adult he will be expected to do two things: Work and die. Having feelings is accomplishing neither of those so he is expected to…never do that. Some people will ask him for displays of emotions; he will quickly learn that they are not interested in his actual feelings because those would require, like, dealing with or whatever. They want to see an impromptu rom-com performance.
Unexplained genital pain is never normal in males; “it hurts, and it has hurt for awhile now” is reason to see a doctor.
I think you and your son having an open communication is a very good thing. Be prepared, though, that this can change. This can be due to feelings of shame getting stronger during puberty.
Be patient and remain open to communication and it most likely will return.
Also, find trustworthy sources of information your son can access to find answers to his questions and respect him when he wishes to inspect there on his own (again, if you remain open and respectful, he probably either keep confiding in you or will again if he doesn’t at some point).
And from personal experience, I can add: it helps if you’re also open to learning things from him! I know I’ve learned lots from the younger generation, even though I thought I was knowledgeable enough! (Especially lingo and how to give and check for consent in non disruptive ways)
First off…you are a great parent. Respect. The most important thing I wish I heard at 14 is that changes are normal, sexual desire is normal, a teenagers body is spurting growth and this may be awkward, but also normal.
When I was 14, my knees hurt because of my growth spurts.
When I was 14, there were a lot of awkward arousals that I had to cover with my back back.
When I was 14, I was still smaller compared to others, by 18 I was towering above everybody.
When I was 14 I was a coward with girls. When I really shouldn’t have been.
When I was 14, I was bullied, and wish with all my heart, I would have Stood up for myself…if I had a cthwr figure to tell me that instead of teachers telling me to be peaceful Instead.
Hell, maybe a big brother program would help.
Hell, if you are desperate, DM me…maybe I can help
Kid is lucky to have you.
I had a mum and a dad, and they did their best, but I wish they had been more interested with my well being in this way.
You’re doing great.
As a guy, best I can say is educate him on what women go through. Make sure he knew what is going on, so he doesn’t look like an idiot with a woman. And so he isn’t like me and learn about how periods actually work when he’s almost thirty because he doesn’t get a joke in a movie.
What he needs to learn at this age isn’t what he will do through, school will do that for him. He needs to know what others will go through. Religious thinking kept most of female anatomy out of the public schools I went to.
So what movie taught you about periods?
Happy Feet. (the sequel obviously)
Your question immediate took my mind back to this 15+ year old clip. Maybe use it as an ice breaker😂. The moms awkward attempt is before where the link jumps.
As a side note…if he shares a shower with someone with long hair and you don’t use a hair strainer or something. The process of removing the clogged hair is gonna get a bit more gross.
Nope didn’t like this comment
Always knock before entering his room
And wait for an answer. Don’t just knock then immediately walk in. I’m nearly fifty and I’m still traumatized by this.
All the other replies tiptoeing around this - OP, your son has hormones raging in his body, he’s going to masturbate a lot. In my opinion and I’m going to be blunt, maybe focus on:
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letting him know it’s normal for all this hormonal activity, masturbation is OK and not something to be frowned upon or ridiculed (well unless you two joke a lot which would be cool). In fact, as he starts to go out on dates gently suggest he rub one out before the date to calm his hormones the F down, which leads me to…
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he’s gonna get boners all the time, it’s just a thing that comes with all those raging hormones. It can happen in unfortunate places and unfortunate circumstances (8th grade science class wearing stretchy shorts? SURE WHY NOT), so as a mom be aware this could be happening but he of course doesn’t want to say anything to you. Ignore or treat it as normal (or again, bust a joke if you’re tight like that).
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teach him to respect his partners and not be just letting his hormones take over and he wants to stick his dick in everything. This is I feel something is missed on all “sex ed”, to me the biggest part is not the physical act but the negative emotional results if he lets those hormones take over. Hetero or gay doesn’t matter, it’s all the same - your partner has feelings and be aware (“don’t be an f’ing asshole”).
I’m of an age these days, but man I wish someone in an adult capacity had covered the above when I was a teenager. Instead, growing up with repressed catholic type parents it took me way, way too long to grasp the above on my own.
I grew up in an entirely female family. I was literally the only boy. So I didnt get any sex talks from anyone. It sucked big time. I really really really wish someone had done it. I had no one to teach me about guy stuff.
Yeah about that last point, it is easy to have sex with someone just because they also want it. However, you may regret it afterwards because maybe they want an actual relationship and you just wanted the sex because your hormones were making that decision for you. Or if you do it with a close friend, it can strain that relationship.
It’s always best to decide what you plan to do before going into any situation that could potentially turn sexual. And stick to the plan. If something unexpected comes up, try to find a way to step away for a few minutes, let the hormones cool, and try to decide what you really want. It’s the only way to be sure you’re making a decision based on more than the instinct to have sex with everything.
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Absolutely. I respect his privacy.
Sometimes he wears headphones in his room and I do have to crack the door to have him respond. Is that okay?
Tbh if he masturbates with headphones in the same house as his mother, it’s an important lesson to learn to always keep one ear open for potential knocks. 🤭
Maybe warn him about that so he can avoid the potential trauma
Emphatically no.
Text him or something.
Edit: you do not want to make this mistake
just making sure you’ve seen this nested comment
Maybe put a “doorbell” with a light in his room that he can see.
Might go low-tech and just stick my arm in with a flashlight or something.
Actually this is probably something good to discuss with him directly. Brainstorming ways of grabbing his attention in a way that respects his privacy together goes a long way toward earning good will, even if you make a mistake later on. Sometimes brain just stops working. My mom has always been good about respecting my privacy, but one day she just opened my door, something she never made a habit of doing and started talking… Right in the middle of some self-care.
As embarrassed as I was, we were laughing about it the day after. She was excited to tell me something nice is all, and I could trust her apology afterward because of our rapport. How could I stay mad?
Does his door have a lock?
I think maybe it should.
I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.
I know this is going to be a very awkward conversation, but you have to understand this: he will be finding and watching porn, and most likely already is at 14. Don’t shame him for that. In any way. Let him know that you know, and that it’s normal, but that it’s important to think of it like it’s just the movies. Cos that’s what it is.
I’d like to tack on that this point can be used to highlight why this is so. It’s a deep concept that can be explained simply and produces a lasting positive impact.
Everyone has fantasies. Sometimes we want them to be realized. Most often: we don’t. Many people carry internal shame because of their fantasies and some of those people have difficulty with intimacy because of it.
Good sex with other people requires our investment in their comfort and pleasure. This can be emotionally complex and fulfilling to navigate. Masturbation is free of those complications but we often make up the difference via fantasy. This is normal and there’s no need to confuse one space for the other. Masturbation and sex may fulfill similar basic needs on the surface but, in practice, they are very different exercises. It’s normal for one’s preferences to be different for each and for those preferences to shift over time.
Don’t worry about “normal”. Focus on having a healthy, honest, and emotionally aware sex life instead.
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
This, meanwhile on one hand it teached me how to pleasure a woman orally, on the other it created impossible expectations on other areas.
I learned properly about the g-spot and how to massage it with my fingers through a TV program about sex that did at nights.
This.
I think it’s important to point out that porn is as representative of real sex as action scenes are of real fights.
Instead, it’s a stylised and codified version of things that specifically is designed to appeal to our lizard brains.
Also, get used to saying the word ‘sex’ around him. It’s weird at first, but the best way to make it clear that it’s all a normal part of growing up, is by acting like it’s a normal part of growing up.
Also relevant - you can’t smell porn. Everyone has a scent, especially when doing a physical activity.
Besides all the good advice in the thread, about condoms:
He should be somewhat comfortable with putting on condoms, he has to train that before it becomes necessary. There are plenty of videos explaining it, let him find them and check them out on his own terms. Let him know not every brand fits every man. He will need to overcome the awkwardness of buying them in drug stores or supermarkets, if he finds it awkward at all, he has to get over himself and do it. A possible motivation could be that if girls can buy their period products, he can buy his dick wraps.
I find it very commendable that you think about this problem!
I’d also like to mention that while condoms do stretch, proper sizing is still important. I wish I had realized that earlier.
Plenty of good advice in this thread.
I’m gonna shout out the boy version of the book “what’s happening to my body?”
https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Happening-Body-Book-Boys/dp/1557047650
It was super helpful to me in puberty, even with trusted male figures. It’s written from a non-judgemental, information focused space. It also let’s him has some way of privately seeking knowledge that isn’t just whatever he finds on the internet
I agreed. There is more to raising a son than discussing masturbation.
Being a women is not an excuse for not being able to research these topics around male adolescence.
There are tons of materials and without more information it is not possible to know what the knowledge gaps are and op needs to start reading to find theirs.
This may be weird, but honestly I wish someone had just given me a copy of “she comes first” (a good book I still use today), and an Adam and Eve gift card. The last one I’ll give you one good reason: it’ll be a lot better if he’s fucking a toy than having sex as a teen. It’ll also make it a bit of a training experience, a lot of guys that age just want to know “what it’s like”.
