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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-04-18 04:02:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRASunflowerBuff
My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears itās a bug bite but Iām not convinced. Iām at loss. How do I move forward?
OOP Originally posted to r/Marriage & r/relationship_advice
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, child neglect
MOOD SPOILER: grim
Thanks to u/funsizerads & u/Creepy_Addict for suggesting this BoRU
Original Post Feb 21, 2025
Iām (27M) in a fight with my wife (28F). Weāve had fights before but not this bad. Iām at a loss on how to proceed.
For context, weāre college sweethearts married for almost 6 years. We have a daughter (4F). Our relationship was never perfect or without challenges.
Weāve faced some family opposition with cultural differences, but weāve made it work. Sheās my first love and my best friend.
My wife works in corporate. Her job has annual work retreats that last for about a week. This year was in Vegas.
I usually arrange my work schedule and tag along with her, and we make our own trip out of it.
We couldnāt this year. Our daughter gets major anxiety traveling long distances. Weāre working on it but she wasnāt budging, and we decided to choose our battles.
So I stood behind and held down the fort at home. The change of plans was a bummer because the trip was part of us reconnecting as both a couple and as a family.
My wifeās work hours have taken a toll, and her work/life balance leaves much to be desired.
We entertained the idea of her skipping the retreat. Attendance is optional, but itās generally frowned upon if you donāt, and my wifeās making connections in her field.
She grew increasingly weird. We have a system if either of us is away for extended periods. We keep in contact.
For the first day or so, she was herself, but she grew distant. Iād even text her about important stuff and be left on read while she claimed she never saw my text.
Whenever we talked, she was rushing me or our daughter off the phone. These were all times she wasnāt involved in retreat activities.
We were supposed to have a mini birthday celebration for our daughter over FaceTime.
Our daughter was excited. It was something my wife promised her because the retreat overlapped her actual birthday.
But my wife backed out because she had people up to her room after a seminar.
It was like she wanted my permission to break her promise to our daughter. I told her I wasnāt offering that nor making her keep her word.
She said I wasnāt being fair, and this was a networking opportunity. They were business-oriented and wouldnāt understand her stepping away for family time.
I said her decision is her decision, but sheād have to explain it to our daughter. She promised her that sheād raincheck the following day.
Our daughter didnāt understand and cried. My wife ended up hanging up and leaving me to comfort our daughter alone.
That whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I didnāt like it. She didnāt keep her word for the rain check either.
She was documenting the retreat on social media. One coworker (23M) was almost in every pic/video attached to her hip. In one pic he had his arm too comfortably around her imo.
Heās a recent hire in my wifeās department. She was asked to oversee him. I donāt like the guy. He doesnāt know boundaries.
Once, in response to a work assignment, he texted my wife that sheās exactly the kind of woman he needs to keep him in check.
My wife had brushed it off. She feels bad for him because heās not fitting in. She took him under her wing during his first retreat with the team.
If Iād questioned, sheād say she was tired or networking. There was always something. But Iāve seen her at these retreats. This wasnāt like her. She was just off.
The day before her return home, she complained about a bruise on her neck. She stressed it was a bug bite.
I didnāt actually see the bruise until she came home. I instantly thought it was a full-on hickey.
She kinda brushed it off after making a big deal of it over the phone. I didnāt push because our daughter was present.
But when I was able to confront her, she clung to her bug bite claim. When I kept pushing, she asked what I was trying to imply.
I outright said I believed she had a hickey, and I didnāt believe she was being honest with me. We had it out then.
She was offended and pissed at the accusation. Infidelity has always been a sore topic. Her family has a history of infidelity.
So we had a pretty bad fight, and she accused me of looking to pick a fight due to the incident with our daughterās birthday.
I told her it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with a hickey on her neck.
The fight ended in an impasse. Weāre still not recovered. She swears itās a bug bite. But Iām not convinced.
Iāve always trusted my wife. I never doubted her, but this bruise doesnāt look like a bug bite. It looks like a hickey.
I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the Vegas retreat.
Now sheās wearing turtlenecks ever since, and weāre caught between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection.
Communication usually prevails for us, but not now. I think my accusation pushed us to a new level of argument.
Iām at a loss here. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
futbol10fan
Iām not saying itās impossible but Iāve never gotten a bug bite that looked like a hickey. Did she show you her phone or provide any proof that could support her innocence or just dismiss you? The extra affection is a common move from guilt-ridden cheaters. Even if we stretch the imagination and believe it is a big bite, she wasnāt acting trustworthy nor was she a good mother while the was in Vegas and she needs to address and correct that.
OOP
No, I havenāt had access to her phone. We usually have an open phone policy but itās not something weāve ever really done. Iām sure itāll be another argument
~
Japetchy
Why did you go on work trips with her in the past? Did she want you to, or did you not want her to go alone. What is (and why is it necessary to have) the system when one of you is away? Whose idea was the FaceTime birthday celebration? Did she not talk to the daughter at all on her birthday or just couldnāt do the FaceTime celebration?
OOP
Work/life balance was an issue, so sheād invite me on the retreats. The system is for an extended periods away from each other like how long the retreat was. Especially since we have a child now
The birthday FaceTime was my wifeās idea. She promised our daughter and got her excited about it. No, she didnāt talk with our daughter until she was calling to cancel. Thatās another reason the birthday stunt rubbed me the wrong way
OOP responding to a deleted comment
Yeah, you donāt get to disconnect from being a parent, especially to a minor, for extended holidays. You certainly donāt ghost them on their birthday and when you promised to do something special for them and got the child excited about it or hang up on them while theyāre crying
Iām not insecure. My wifeās gone on the retreats before. We both work outside the home and have the caring for our daughter. So itās not an imbalance. My wifeās work/life balance is out of sorts. Sheās in the company of other adults plenty
Iāve been with my wife on these retreats and other social events. I know how she is. She was off this entire trip nor was it appreciated her entertaining a coworker, who ignores boundaries, having his arm wrapped around her waist like he was claiming her or something
I trusted her when she said she had a bug bite. I got things to help her treat it for when returned. It was only after I saw the bruise in person that there was no mistaking it was a hickey for me, and I questioned her on it
Update Feb 28, 2025 (7 days later)
I (27M) wanted to give an update and thank everyone who reached out. The outside perspectives helped.
Things are a rollercoaster. Iām trying to process. It took a while for my wife (28F) and me to have any real conversation about the bruise on her neck.
We were stuck between arguing and her showering our daughter (4F) and me with affection.
I rarely saw the bruise because she was turtlenecked up. But I did note the healing process from reddish purple to yellow.
There wasnāt any more discussion about the Vegas retreat. She made it clear she was done talking about it and that she shouldnāt need to defend herself to her husband.
I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I was done being treated like an idiot, and I wasnāt sharing a bed with someone I couldnāt trust.
So I moved into the guest room. Communication stopped. The silences were palpable. Even our ā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1k1vzio/my_wife_returned_from_a_work_retreat_with_a/
So I moved into the guest room. Communication stopped. The silences were palpable. Even our daughter noticed. Iām not proud of that. I try keeping her out of fights.
My wife came to the guest room one night and asked if we could talk. I could tell sheād been crying.
She said she hated the way things were between us. She felt she was losing me either way.
I told her I needed complete honesty. She confessed she hooked up with that coworker (23M) on our daughterās birthday. The hickey was from him.
She was lost in the heat of the moment and didnāt realize he was sucking so hard on her neck.
By her account, they made out while doing some on top of the clothes stuff and then he went down on her.
It stopped there because he called her by a nickname that I affectionately call her. It snapped her back to the reality of her actions.
She went to splash water on her face and saw the hickey. The guy made light of it and made a joke about the hickey being her souvenir. She blew up on him and kicked him out of her suite.
Part of the reason she was avoiding me was out of guilt. She said sheās coming clean because she doesnāt want to hide things anymore.
I asked her why she cheated. What was it about that guy she deemed worth risking everything?
She claimed it wasnāt him specifically, nor is she unhappy with our marriage. She doesnāt really know how to explain it, but a part of her feels broken.
The more she looks in the mirror, the more she sees her dad (57M). A cycle of being consumed with work, distant from child, and the infidelity he put her mom (55F) through.
She said her family never talked about anything openly and how when she was growing up, my MIL never addressed anything with her.
I said her parents didnāt make her cheat. She chose to party up with a guy who constantly disrespected our relationship. These were all her decisions, and she at any point couldāve chosen our family.
She agreed. She wants to blame her parents but realizes this is on her. She apologized for cheating and for entertaining the guyās advances.
She said sheāll do whatever it takes to repair. Go to HR, quit her job, counseling, anything. She wants to make everything right.
I told her I donāt know what right looks like or if thatās possible for us anymore. I knew we had our problems, but I thought there wasnāt anything we couldnāt talk out.
She insisted we still could talk it out. We didnāt have to give up on us. She tried giving this rally cry for our relationship, but I felt very numb.
I said I didnāt recognize her. Not just the betrayal of our vows but also how she treated our daughter. Sheās like a stranger.
She feels she failed as a wife and mom, but she loves us both beyond words and wants our life together and our family intact.
I told her I couldnāt give her the answer she wanted and thought we needed to separate and reevaluate.
She didnāt want separation. She felt we should stay together in our home, but I told her a separation was happening. Either she was leaving the home or I was with our daughter.
She consented to leaving so as to best not uproot our daughter so much. She asked for our daughter not to be taken away from her.
My wifeās staying with my in-laws. I know thatās difficult in itself because she doesnāt have the best relationship with her parents.
One of the hardest parts is the shift for our daughter. Right now, she believes her momās just busy with work per usual. She hasnāt questioned it too much.
My MIL called the other day. She made no excuses for my wife, but sheās advocating for us to work through it.
She told me times when she heard my wife describe me as the anchor she always wanted. She believes thereās something worth fighting for if Iām open.
Despite some family opposition we faced throughout our relationship, my MIL was always a supporter of us.
Iām even more at a loss. I never imagined this kind of betrayal from my wife. She was my safe place. I feel numb yet broken.
Iām in love with her. That hasnāt changed. But I donāt see myself, her, our relationship, or our family the same. Everythingās more tense because itās fresh.
I think this period of separation is for the best. Iām not sure about divorce. I havenāt let myself fully go there. Iām not set either way.
I donāt know where things go from here, but Iām focusing on our daughter and taking things one step at a time. I feel thatās all I can do right now.
Thanks again to everyone for the support. Itās much appreciated.
TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears itās a bug bite, but Iām not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. Weāre stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. Iām at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?
