Apologies in advance for the wall of text. This is a bit of an involved story, but I suck at editing. Thanks in advance for reading the whole thing.
54M here. My long-standing marriage split up in 2019, for several reasons; one of the main reasons was the fact that the majority of our marriage was largely sexless. I decided at that time that I was not interested in another long-term monogamous relationship, nor one that did not include a sexual component. I’ve managed to have a few relationships since then, of varying lengths and levels of commitment.
Back in July I matched with a woman on Tinder. She identified as ENM and was kink-curious, like me. We hit it off right away. Had our first date a few days later, which culminated in some great sex. We spent a lot of the summer together, doing various things (simple hangouts, traditional dates, straight-up hookups, sleepovers). Along the way I sort of caught feelings a little bit, but I never pushed for anything beyond what we had in the moment. We both decided to just let things develop and see where they led.
A couple of weeks ago we had a discussion about where we were. She told me that she was really interested in looking for someone who could be more of a primary partner, but that we were not currently a good fit for that role. (I’m involved in some activities that limit my availability for weeks at a time, and I have adult children who live at home with me.) We haven’t seen much of each other since that talk, but we’ve chatted nearly every day. She’s currently dating someone who is also looking for a primary partner, and I’ve been supportive of her in this.
This past weekend she had a friend down for the weekend. He was supposed to come visit back in August but had to reschedule. After he left she and I talked. She had been hoping for some good sex but when the time came they ended up just snuggling and chatting. She told me she thought that they were probably just going to end up platonic snuggle buddies. She then surprised me by telling me that she also envisioned us as platonic snuggle buddies, and she wanted to deescalate the relationship. She said she likes thinking that sex could be on the table, but she’s not really feeling the desire for it.
It’s already been difficult adjusting to seeing her less; the thought that when I did see her the option of sex is foreclosed is really jarring. She’s a little surprised, and perhaps hurt, that I could view the loss of sex as a dealbreaker in our relationship. I’ve noted that even if she’s searching for a primary partner, she need not foreclose intimate relations with other partners; that’s sort of what ENM is about, no? She points out that intimate relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and not all of them include sex. Which is true, but ours most certainly did, and I’m surprised that she’s surprised I would be wary of continuing a relationship that’s effectively been cut in half.
I really like this woman, and I don’t like the idea of losing her from my life, but I honestly don’t know how to handle this change in my relationship, or even if I should. How do I spend time with her, wanting to touch her, kiss her, fuck her, knowing that I can’t?
I’m relatively new to the idea of ENM, so I put it out to those who have more experience for advice and perspective. Thanks again.
TLDR: Partner wishes to maintain a relationship with me, but without sex. I view sex as integral to our relationship. Should I make this adjustment? If so, how?
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My primary partner and I started our relationship in a very sexually intense way. She ended up becoming my 24/7 Domme, and I thought all was good, but lurking underneath all of that was the fact that she went through some major trauma early in her life which led to her thinking her only worth was through sex. At some point her sex drive took a nosedive, and our relationship really suffered for it. I came inches away from leaving her for basically just abandoning our sex life. However, I did come to realize after a while that my primary motivation for loving her and wanting her in my life had absolutely nothing to do with sex. I just like being around her, and now we’re in a completely sex free relationship. She’s still my primary partner because being a relationship partner is generally thought of as primary sexual partner as well, but they’re not the same thing.
I have another partner who I also enjoy spending time with, and we also have sex, but that’s also not the primary core of our relationship. I’m older like you, so I’ve had time to mature my thoughts on it, and sex is certainly a lot of fun, but over time I’ve come to regard it more like a sport that’s a lot of fun to play with someone else, but it’s just that, an activity.
If sex is integral to your view of relationships and you don’t want to change that, and your partner has decided that she doesn’t want it anymore, then it seems to me that your views on your relationship are incompatible and you should move on.
All that’s to say is that I’ve been there. It took months of introspection to realize that she wasn’t the only one who changed how she felt, and that I was truly ok with the change. The question now is whether you are or are not.
Part of what’s making this difficult for me is, as I mentioned in my OP, I was in a dead bedroom for many years in my marriage, so I don’t feel like I’m in a place where I can feel desire for someone and not have it reciprocated. It’s not psychologically healthy for me. But she is special and important to me, and if there’s a way I can salvage this relationship while meeting my own needs and respecting myself, I’d be open to it.
That is totally valid and I understand completely. Navigating how you feel about the relationship change is hard, and really comes down to what you’re willing to accept in terms of affection or sex from your partner.
