Please, I don’t accept hugs. I dont want kisses. Please, don’t touch me. There are plenty of other ways to show affection, I can do that, but please, do not touch me, I dont like it.
Nobody should force a hug or a kiss on anyone. As I replied to another commenter on here, as soon as he waved me off I dropped it and did not make an issue out of it. I respect your boundaries. If you don’t want to be hugged, kissed, or touched that is 100% OK and nobody should pressure you into it, ever.
But try to understand that in the vast majority human relationships, hugs and the like are considered normal, healthy behavior. They are not considered a “creepy attack from a creepy creep”. I’m not talking about random strangers copping a feel here. I’m talking about close friends and family.
Human touch is very, very important. Read up on Harry Harlow’s monkey experiments.
I’m fairly convinced the lack of touch and general warmth in our culture is one reason we all hate and mistrust each other. I realize causes and symptoms get blurry in this arena (correlation vs causation and all of that) but it’s fairly obvious people aren’t giving or getting enough love and affection in their lives. There’s so much hostility, repression, and isolating going on.
That’s a pretty Westernized view - it’s absolutely NOT a cultural norm to give close friends of either gender hugs in most Asian cultures. This includes societies that are very Westernized like Taiwan. It doesn’t make people any less friendly or emotionally vulnerable- but hugging is something we just don’t do.
Cultural norms can be good or bad. There are plenty of bad norms in the US. I won’t speak to Asia’s norms, and wasn’t talking about Asia. I was talking about my own culture in the US. Perhaps people in Asia have other wholesome ways of expressing these things. Or perhaps Asia’s cultures are damaged and damaging like my home’s culture is. I don’t know.
But your comparison feels like whataboutism and deflection. Humans wanting to touch and to be touched in non-sexual ways isn’t weird or shameful. That’s what I’m addressing here.
Humans not wanting to be touched is OK, too. I’m not advocating for nonconsensual hugging or touching.
What’s weird to me is how even discussing it brings out instant defensiveness in some folks, which is kind of proving the point that I am trying to make.
No shaming at all! But I think it’s important to recognize that not all cultures express affection the same way.
One very poignant scene I remember well was when a Disney exec met the famous Japanese director Hiyao Miyazaki for the first time. The American exec rushed forward to hug them and I remember thinking that Miyazaki may have felt pretty uncomfortable with that. As an Asian American that spends a lot of time in both cultures I find that Americans tend to (for lack of a better word) impose their cultural norms on others - either through well meaning ignorance or cultural chauvinism I don’t know.
(Note: I tried to reply to this comment but it got put into the main thread. Copying and pasting here for visibility, apologies for duplicate post)
Is that for everyone or just people outside of your comfort group?
I ask because a stranger touching me is very likely to draw back a figurative nub, but I love touch from my people. I’m kinda anti-kiss post covid, but I’m a hugger still lol.
I feel you though, everyone gets to have boundaries, and it isn’t a rejection of affection to prefer non touch methods of showing it.
Please, I don’t accept hugs. I dont want kisses. Please, don’t touch me. There are plenty of other ways to show affection, I can do that, but please, do not touch me, I dont like it.
Nobody should force a hug or a kiss on anyone. As I replied to another commenter on here, as soon as he waved me off I dropped it and did not make an issue out of it. I respect your boundaries. If you don’t want to be hugged, kissed, or touched that is 100% OK and nobody should pressure you into it, ever.
But try to understand that in the vast majority human relationships, hugs and the like are considered normal, healthy behavior. They are not considered a “creepy attack from a creepy creep”. I’m not talking about random strangers copping a feel here. I’m talking about close friends and family.
Human touch is very, very important. Read up on Harry Harlow’s monkey experiments.
I’m fairly convinced the lack of touch and general warmth in our culture is one reason we all hate and mistrust each other. I realize causes and symptoms get blurry in this arena (correlation vs causation and all of that) but it’s fairly obvious people aren’t giving or getting enough love and affection in their lives. There’s so much hostility, repression, and isolating going on.
Yeah, but some of us are in our 50s and we had the wire mother. It’s too late for us.
That’s a pretty Westernized view - it’s absolutely NOT a cultural norm to give close friends of either gender hugs in most Asian cultures. This includes societies that are very Westernized like Taiwan. It doesn’t make people any less friendly or emotionally vulnerable- but hugging is something we just don’t do.
Cultural norms can be good or bad. There are plenty of bad norms in the US. I won’t speak to Asia’s norms, and wasn’t talking about Asia. I was talking about my own culture in the US. Perhaps people in Asia have other wholesome ways of expressing these things. Or perhaps Asia’s cultures are damaged and damaging like my home’s culture is. I don’t know.
But your comparison feels like whataboutism and deflection. Humans wanting to touch and to be touched in non-sexual ways isn’t weird or shameful. That’s what I’m addressing here.
Humans not wanting to be touched is OK, too. I’m not advocating for nonconsensual hugging or touching.
What’s weird to me is how even discussing it brings out instant defensiveness in some folks, which is kind of proving the point that I am trying to make.
No shaming at all! But I think it’s important to recognize that not all cultures express affection the same way.
One very poignant scene I remember well was when a Disney exec met the famous Japanese director Hiyao Miyazaki for the first time. The American exec rushed forward to hug them and I remember thinking that Miyazaki may have felt pretty uncomfortable with that. As an Asian American that spends a lot of time in both cultures I find that Americans tend to (for lack of a better word) impose their cultural norms on others - either through well meaning ignorance or cultural chauvinism I don’t know.
(Note: I tried to reply to this comment but it got put into the main thread. Copying and pasting here for visibility, apologies for duplicate post)
My family hugged me when I was a small child. I’m an adult and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I know this is a joke but my dad was excessively touchy and huggy when I was growing up and it’s the reason I hate hugs now.
It’s not a joke, I am dead serious. I just phrased something unusual as if it were normal because I don’t believe in upholding neurotypical norms.
Is that for everyone or just people outside of your comfort group?
I ask because a stranger touching me is very likely to draw back a figurative nub, but I love touch from my people. I’m kinda anti-kiss post covid, but I’m a hugger still lol.
I feel you though, everyone gets to have boundaries, and it isn’t a rejection of affection to prefer non touch methods of showing it.