I think it’s important to note that queer breakups do not need to be more messy than straight breakups and that just because queer people breakup does not mean that it is necessarily more messy. But exploring how messy they can be is different than making a statement that they always are. While the full depth of exploring the differences between queer and straight relationships is an entire body of literature and a great PhD thesis, I’ll try to summarize some high level ideas that come to mind for the purposes of educating those who are unfamiliar or have not thought a lot about these dynamics:
Queer folks tend to have much more tightly knit social circles. This is because they are ostracized or discriminated against by plenty, so they have to be more careful with whom they form tight community with.
Queer folks are often alienated from their families, placing additional emphasis on being social and getting needs met by their community.
Queer folks may be still processing their own sexuality, gender, or other form of queerness and that can be reflected within the relationships that they hold.
Queer folks might change or recognize an identity that ends up being fundamentally incompatible with the original relationship, such as by transitioning to another gender.
Because of the strong community and social ties, breaking up with someone can cause rifts in social circles which are both smaller and more important to queer folks, which can end up rather messy because emotions are running high.
Queer relationships are more expansive by nature, because they challenge common narratives around gender - you cannot simply categorize things as being the man or the woman’s job, when one of the two may not be present, and for those who are transgender there may be challenging of those roles as well.
Due to the unique nature of queer lives and discrimination, many milestones in a relationship look very different. In most cases kids cannot be conceived of biologically between the two partners and there may be no desire to adopt or have children/start a family. There may be a stronger desire to create a shared space for a shared family. Moving in with each other may happen sooner due to financial strain. There may be no “meeting the parents” or an equivalent. How quickly sex is on the table and how physically intimate two folks are with each other may not represent common narratives.
Queer folks are more likely to be polyamorous or to practice something not resembling strict monogamy which can lead to different kinds of conversations, fights, and breakups.
Queer folks may exist on the asexual and aromantic spectrums which may effect how others perceive the relationship, what the relationship milestones may look like, and provide unique considerations with regards to balancing a relationship with their life, and ultimately what a breakup may entail or look like.
The marginalization of queer folks leads to increased stress which can make breakups more explosive due to compounding stress.
Queer folks may feel more free to express themselves in ways that do not fit neatly into societal expectations around gender roles, and this can be reflected in the breakup itself and what is considered acceptable or normal behavior during a breakup.
Queer folks might approach dating differently and the considerations around maintaining a friendship post-breakup may not represent common narratives.
As I stated before this is a non-exhaustive list, and only captures some of the ways in which queer relationships can differ significantly from cis/straight relationships and how that might reflect in the process of ending a relationship or breaking up. For what it’s worth, I think the game approaches this quite well, with a variety of relationships playing out throughout the story and many of the points above being salient to each unique relationship and breakup in the game.
Yes! I can see myself in nearly all of these points unfortunately. I went through a relationship where my partner wasn’t sure about her sexuality so it was kind of a constant back and forth between being in a romantical or a queer platonic relationship. That sucked a lot, especially because of my own insecurities because of childhood trauma and being trans.
But what I wanted to add is that heterosexual relationships are in my view just another type of messy. Sure, they less frequently have all that what you pointed out in your list. They often try to blindly follow this “script” of how a straight relationship has to work and what roles both sexes have to take up. This leads to a situation where they are probably kind of stabilized by this kind of script, but on the other hand they cannot but fail in following it. To follow the heterosexual norm, you have cut off so much of yourself in order to fit in this small role you’re given. And then people, especially your partner, constantly police you what you should and shouldn’t do. I’ve talked with soooo many straight people about their relationship problems (they shove it in your face really) and every time I’m really happy that I’m not straight. Trying to live inside a norm in general seems really tiresome and detrimental to your own mental health. All those people have to compartmentalize huge parts of their own desire and personality to be able to live that way.
Fascinating write up neighbor, I’ve skimmed it twice but wanted to thank you for taking the time to write it out before I really get in there and start digesting it. Much appreciated.
Shouldn’t practiced polyamory be known, and discussed? (Therefore accepted by both parties?)
I feel like the alternative is cheating (hidden, secret)
I’m ignorant of this but do poly practitioners struggle with relationship duration/durability? I guess I could see how, but that seems like an assumption.
It’s among a list of risk factors for queer relationships, and I made an assumption that polyamory that’s discussed/known/ in the open would be just fine, like everyone would be cool with it
Just because one is polyamorous and not hiding it, does not mean that they are practicing healthy polyamory. Unfortunately many individuals use polyamory as a framework to attempt avoid consequences for shitty behavior like cheating (yes, you can cheat while polyamorous!) or as a way to cope with their inability to actually commit to anyone or simply to get their narcissistic needs met. In many cases they get a certain set of needs or most of their needs met by a primary partner and treat secondary partners more as toys or one-dimensional with regards to the missing needs that their primary aren’t giving them. I’ve met and dated people who ultimately were not very interested in a truly collaborative relationship (hard boundaries in inappropriate places causing power dynamic issues) while making no effort to contribute equally to a relationship. Part of that is propped up by the reality that managing a breakup is easier when you have other partners who can and will provide emotional support, or as stated earlier primary partners who already provide most of your needs.
I think it’s reasonable to have different styles of poly relationships to meet different needs and desires without it constituting cheating - but it requires a level of transparency, honesty, and self-awareness that most people are incapable of.
I think it’s important to note that queer breakups do not need to be more messy than straight breakups and that just because queer people breakup does not mean that it is necessarily more messy. But exploring how messy they can be is different than making a statement that they always are. While the full depth of exploring the differences between queer and straight relationships is an entire body of literature and a great PhD thesis, I’ll try to summarize some high level ideas that come to mind for the purposes of educating those who are unfamiliar or have not thought a lot about these dynamics:
As I stated before this is a non-exhaustive list, and only captures some of the ways in which queer relationships can differ significantly from cis/straight relationships and how that might reflect in the process of ending a relationship or breaking up. For what it’s worth, I think the game approaches this quite well, with a variety of relationships playing out throughout the story and many of the points above being salient to each unique relationship and breakup in the game.
Yes! I can see myself in nearly all of these points unfortunately. I went through a relationship where my partner wasn’t sure about her sexuality so it was kind of a constant back and forth between being in a romantical or a queer platonic relationship. That sucked a lot, especially because of my own insecurities because of childhood trauma and being trans.
But what I wanted to add is that heterosexual relationships are in my view just another type of messy. Sure, they less frequently have all that what you pointed out in your list. They often try to blindly follow this “script” of how a straight relationship has to work and what roles both sexes have to take up. This leads to a situation where they are probably kind of stabilized by this kind of script, but on the other hand they cannot but fail in following it. To follow the heterosexual norm, you have cut off so much of yourself in order to fit in this small role you’re given. And then people, especially your partner, constantly police you what you should and shouldn’t do. I’ve talked with soooo many straight people about their relationship problems (they shove it in your face really) and every time I’m really happy that I’m not straight. Trying to live inside a norm in general seems really tiresome and detrimental to your own mental health. All those people have to compartmentalize huge parts of their own desire and personality to be able to live that way.
Fascinating write up neighbor, I’ve skimmed it twice but wanted to thank you for taking the time to write it out before I really get in there and start digesting it. Much appreciated.
Shouldn’t practiced polyamory be known, and discussed? (Therefore accepted by both parties?)
I feel like the alternative is cheating (hidden, secret)
I’m ignorant of this but do poly practitioners struggle with relationship duration/durability? I guess I could see how, but that seems like an assumption.
Where did they state the opposite? Of course polyarmory should be disclaimed and discussed.
It’s among a list of risk factors for queer relationships, and I made an assumption that polyamory that’s discussed/known/ in the open would be just fine, like everyone would be cool with it
Just because one is polyamorous and not hiding it, does not mean that they are practicing healthy polyamory. Unfortunately many individuals use polyamory as a framework to attempt avoid consequences for shitty behavior like cheating (yes, you can cheat while polyamorous!) or as a way to cope with their inability to actually commit to anyone or simply to get their narcissistic needs met. In many cases they get a certain set of needs or most of their needs met by a primary partner and treat secondary partners more as toys or one-dimensional with regards to the missing needs that their primary aren’t giving them. I’ve met and dated people who ultimately were not very interested in a truly collaborative relationship (hard boundaries in inappropriate places causing power dynamic issues) while making no effort to contribute equally to a relationship. Part of that is propped up by the reality that managing a breakup is easier when you have other partners who can and will provide emotional support, or as stated earlier primary partners who already provide most of your needs.
Expressing a personal opinion here: anything but truly balanced and open poly just seems like cheating with extra steps, queer or not.
I think it’s reasonable to have different styles of poly relationships to meet different needs and desires without it constituting cheating - but it requires a level of transparency, honesty, and self-awareness that most people are incapable of.
Well put.