- cross-posted to:
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- cross-posted to:
- [email protected]
Summary
Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson claimed he was “physically mauled” by a demon in his sleep, leaving claw marks on his body, which he says are still visible. Carlson described waking with intense pain, bleeding claw marks, and an overwhelming urge to read the Bible. He recounted the experience as confusing yet transformative, adding that while he doesn’t expect others to believe him, the incident profoundly impacted him.
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do not declaw those dogs
Demons LOVE the Bible so this makes PERFECT Sense!
People are saying it’s the dogs, but given that it’s Tucker Carlson I think it’s far more likely that he’s just flat out lying.
He should keep that between him and his woman. He doesn’t need to lie to us. 🤷♂️
Or between him and his dogs
How to explain away the signs of rough gay sex to your wife.
A new religion is born.
Tucker Carlson and JD Vance had rough normal gay guy sex and he’s getting ahead of any story and saying it was demon assault.
I can also take part in conspiracies
It’s why JD Vance’s pimp handlers slather him in makeup and eyeliner to keep Tucker interested in MAGA. All funded from the top down by Elon Musk who eats babies in a failed and desperate attempt to stay young.
That’s why he makes that many, he has to start numbering them in Xenu…
Tucker made the mistake of dressing up as a couch for Halloween.
He was asking for it!
He was asking for it.
The demon turned him into a couch
“I got attacked while I was asleep with my wife and four dogs and mauled, physically mauled.” … “I have no idea what happened.”
lol
4… FOUR Dogs? Imagine the smell…
I’m actually a bit jealous of his sleeping situation. I don’t mind dogs being “dirty” and I’d prefer 4 dogs (and maybe a wife) to sleeping alone.
This is the level of critical thinking that conservative pundits are exercising.
sleep paralysis combined with he sleeps with dogs and they have nails. next.
Sleep paralysis was likely what people would later claim to each other was a nighttime demon encounter back in the 1750s So it’s accurate to Tucker and the GOP who just want to burn witches
I’m worried that y’all don’t know what lying is.
he’s just enough of a thumb that he legit might not know what dreams are tho
tl;dr: Comrade Carlson doesn’t think he’s getting enough attention lately.
I see he’s taking a page from Alex Jones’s bible.
Anyway, what are the chances that someone’s going to come forward that Carlson assaulted them and they fought back? Just asking questions.
Alex Jones’s bible
I shudder to think what that thing is filled with.
Leaded cocaine
Sea moss these days
Boner pills
No it’s missing pages because he needed to snort his boner pills.
and bath salts.
You’re telling me this is a real story like in a real news source?
JFC
The fun is this for me is the thought that a supernatural force attacked you in your sleep, you claim it to be a Christian/religious force, and yet at no point does he acknowledge/reflect that maybe his actions may cause scrutiny by his religious beliefs.
Thought process?: “My God created everything, including deamons sent to attack me personally, clearly I am doings gods work”
Yeah seriously! Why does it have to be a Christian supernatural force? It could just be Baba Yaga “reaching out” as it were, to a kindred spirit.
Why couldn’t it be the fae trying to pull him into their world? Or perhaps an evil yokai finally tracked him down?
Maybe his original soul escaped the mirror dimension and was trying to claw its way back into his body!
“so I was sleeping normally when all of a sudden this chicken legged toolshed attacks me”
At the time, Carlson says, he was asleep in bed with his wife – and four dogs.
I have an alternate theory about those claw marks…
Even Fido has had enough of his shit
Hopefully Fucker gets rabies
I watched that video, and had he just stuck to being suddenly awake and having claw marks I would have thought there was something odd. But he led with having four dogs in the bed, so when he said he had claw marks…dear lord, he’s either trying too hard to play to some niche audience, or he’s really that stupid. At least make the story sound plausible…we know you can lie, why didn’t you just leave off some details here to sell it better.
Ever since he got kicked off Fox, he’s been making the pivot to the hard right audience, which includes the narrative that they’re in a spiritual war against the literal devil.
It’s the same conspiracy-laden bullshit that Alex Jones pushes.
It’s Jon Stewart’s fault. Tucker never recovered from that jab about the bow tie.
And he never wore a bow tie after that. Lol.
If anything, Tucker needs another sit-down with JonHe’s been holding a towel on his rear-end ever since.
And we got Trump cause Obama roasted him so hard he was afraid no one would think he was white anymore.
Maybe ridiculing fascists isn’t the best way to treat them.
You’re correct, actually.
Yeah, I don’t know when “Trump ran for president because he was so thoroughly emasculated by Obama” and “You can’t shame the shameless out of fascism” became such hot takes.
You can shame them, just not for anything they should feel shamed about. Jabs about very facile facets of their masculinity? shamed. Dragged through the ringer because they are rapists? No shame.
Ridiculing Fascists is the best way to treat them. They’re fragile little snowflakes and can not handle being the butt of the joke. Why do you think aside from journalists and politicians, comedians also get censored or imprisoned first when fascists take over?
So the problem with Trump is that he’s not being ridiculed enough? The orange-skinned, diaper wearing, wispy-pube-haired, tiny hands, mushroom dick, broke-ass billionaire wanna-be, so cheap he won’t even bother to have his suits tailored, neck-gina, “dumbest goddamn student I ever had”, can’t drink water, nuke hurricanes, salutes North Korean generals, paper towel throwing, bleach-drinking, UV light up the asshole, bigliest, yugliest, covfefe bunker bitch will go away if we just make fun of him?
If you think you can stop the fascist by calling him Mango Mussolini or Agolf Shitler more, fucking go for it. Comedians get imprisoned by fascists because they hurt their feelings- but that doesn’t stop fascism, or else they wouldn’t have ended up in prison.
And he’s been Orange ever since.
The dude used to wear a bow tie, unironically, and in public no less, so…
Bowties are cool.
The bowtie wasn’t the problem.
It’s the person that makes it uncool.
I’d argue that the fact that he stopped wearing the bowties when he was mocked for it says more about him than the bowties do.
I’ve been rocking a bowtie for a while, and my wife loves it. Maybe it’s that his were clipons.
It absolutely does. Jon knew it would have to be something low to get under his skin and he was right.
I bet it’s deliberate. Like a power play knowing his story is clearly bullshit but the morons he’s appealing to are believing it making him feel even more superior.
Yeah, i imagine his wife is pretty vicious.
Occam’s Razor? Naw, it’s gotta be Occam’s Jewish Space Laser.
Is it Tucker Carlson has hell hounds for pets?
Yeah, if I were married to Tucker Carlson I’d be pretty messed up too.
Heyo
We know his wife didn’t leave them in the throes of passion, that’s for sure
But a mistress that he’s trying to cover up? That’s plausible.
He brought the Bible into it so I’m betting it was a misteress.
No man! It was a succubus!
A dominatrix is also plausible
Dude, even small dogs can hog some serious space. 4 dogs? I’m surprised there’s any room left for the fucker and his wife. He probably got scratches falling out of bed.
Holy shit I did not think the alt right could get any fucking dumber.
“I went to bed and woke up next to this unconscious woman… I was in my bed with the wife and dogs at the time, so she must’ve been a demon.”
I do too. Paranoid delusions
His boyfriend choked him out too hard? I’m bad at inferences.
Ah shit that’s unfortunate. Better luck next time, demon.
I bet this was said to cover for crimes he may have committed as christisn judges will definitely see it as a legit defense. Or he is fucking stupid.
¿Porque no los dos?
