Man, I must have missed that day in Sunday School when they taught that Jesus cheated on his wife with a sex worker and then used money from his carpentry business to have his lawyer cover it up so he wouldn’t lose credit when running for the office of Roman prefect.
It’s only in John.
I have no idea why, but my first thought was it’s only in “the John”. As in it was in some ancient bathroom graffiti. Just scrawled hastily on the bathroom walls, explaining all about the son of God’s legal woes.
Funnily enough, we have learned a huge amount about first century Rome from the graffiti in Pompeii and Herculaneum.
Here’s the family-friendly stuff:
http://ancientgraffiti.org/Graffiti/
Here’s the absolutely filthy stuff:
https://kashgar.com.au/blogs/history/the-bawdy-graffiti-of-pompeii-and-herculaneu
That’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility to be honest.
The words of the prophets are written on the bathroom walls, and toilet stalls.
When did Jesus put it in John?
Nono, he did it on the john.
With his Peter.
Rock hard peter.
Don’t forget the time Jesus told his disciples that when you’re rich, women let you grab them by the pussy.
They might argue Jesus had sex with a prostitute.
Tbough I imagine they would need some special type of cross to crucify Trump. I don’t think his body weight could be supported by nails through his hands or wrists.
He would immediately fall to the ground, tearing his wrists and breaking his legs.
The Roman soldiers could dip the sponges in Diet Coke, and wouldn’t need a stick to raise it to him. But it would be pretty gruesome.
They could give him one of those kids crowns you used to get from Burger King. Instead of INRI it could read IMXXL.
Then they roll him into a cave and three days later he is lifted into heaven by a Chinese spy balloon.
What about the time when Jesus was feeling a little threatened by John the Baptist’s popularity so he started chanting “Lock him up! Lock him up!” I believe that was during the Sermon on the Golden Stairs.
Only for John to be
relentlessly investigated by the GOPbeheaded by Herodias for no good reason.
Is she really Christian? Because she violated at least three commandments in one sentence.
Removed by mod
I’m surprised she didn’t extend that to, “and both were persecuted by Jews!”
Removed by mod
As a Jew who does not support Israel’s apartheid or genocide (I’m not even particularly interested in visiting apart from the archaeology) and does not believe in any sort of ethnostate, I consider myself a better counterexample.
Removed by mod
“Papers, please.”
Oof
Zionism has always been antisemitic.
“All Jews should move to Israel” is absolutely part-and-parcel with ethnic-nationalism common to both MTG and Donald Trump.
Yeah, antisemitic jackasses can’t handle having a neighbor holding a mitzvah. Fuck that shit American Jews are Americans and belong here just as much as the rest of us.
Sigh, one of these days we’ll place the blame where it really belongs. On the Italians. Who told people to blame the Jews for Jesus? That’s right the Roman Catholic Church.
It’s not like we’re going to start coming to agreement that religious leaders are prone to corruption regardless of what religion it is, and that this is especially true in tumultuous times and places like Roman Judea in the early Julian Dynasty.
jesus, also a billionaire, oh wait
Jesus hated money lenders. Trump relies on them.
money lendersmoney lauderersThat’s the one time in the new testament (that I can recall) where Jesus got pissed, started whipping people.
So you’re saying it’s sort of like when Trump had Stormy Daniels spank him with a rolled up Forbes magazine?
They are the same!
Not just whipping people, he went and made a qhip for an entire day and then went back to whip them.
Trump hates them too, when he has to return the money.
If you can turn water into wine, you will be making a decent profit. Why do you think the Roman government wanted to get rid of him?
It’s just history repeating.
That’s the comedy skit we deserve… ancient Big Fish and Big Bread getting all hysterial because “some guy” was giving the stuff out for free.
Don’t forget that his mommy invented spinning the news with her “immaculate conception” story. Having three “wise” men over checking if they were the father.
Go away.
Removed by mod
The same person who also said the Jews have secret space lasers. 🤔
The same ones they used to kill Christ.
I came into this thread thinking, “huh, I thought MTG liked Trump”. It literally didn’t occur to me that she wasn’t making fun of him. How can you possibly call Trump a convicted felon, compare him to the perfect son of God, and still think you’re a serious person? It’s insane
I was just wondering how a card game had an opinion at all 😅
Haha yeah, I automatically tried to write her name as MtG first time around
Might I suggest “EmptyG” to avoid future confusion?
Genius.
Agreed, but the credit is due elsewhere.
gestures to the wider internet
…somewhere.
Just one objection: Jesus wasn’t perfect, that was kinda a big part of him being born human. He had doubts and, iirc, made mistakes, even according to the bible.
Your knowledge of the Bible is different to mine. I was taught that Jesus lived a perfect life then died as a sacrifice, in exchange for the perfect life that Adam squandered. (Eve doesn’t count because she’s a woman, or something)
EDIT: either way, it’s not something I believe to be true any more
Nope, then there wouldn’t have been a point to being born human
Removed by mod
OK, just crucify Trump, and look what happens (or not) on the third day…
Most people shit themselves when they die, but Trump comes pre-shitted apparently. So that diaper gonna be FILLED.
Just like Trump, Jesus was famous for stiffing carpenters back in the day.
Modern Day Donald Trump: Doesn’t pay contractors
Historical Sexy Gay Jesus: Stiffs other carpenters
You’re falling victim to a translation error.
When I worked as operations manager in a contracting company we had an installer named Jesus. He was a young guy, illegal immigrant trying to support his family back home.
I was gonna tell a funny anecdote about how he smoked a joint on lunch break and ended up installing a door backwards and trapped an old lady in her house, but then I remembered that my boss would hire illegals like him because he could get away with paying them far below minimum wage and fire them for any passing mood he had, he delighted in punishing struggling people and didn’t view them as human. I, the only white guy working with them and I started there counting screws and doing all the same shit work they did, learned a lot of really funny or vulgar spanish, I got to know them all as people and made friends and I wonder even nearly 20 years later what happened to some of them.
Jesus was deported when my boss called a “tip” into immigration services because he thought Jesus was lazy. Jesus was 19, it was not only his first job, it was his first job in a foreign country surrounded by people he doesn’t know, living alone, no education or legal protection. He needed help, not cruelty.
So yeah, when people say “Jesus was treated unfairly” I always nod in agreement.
Bet your boss was a raging “Christian”.
Of all the possible similarities to biblical Jesus that one could pick, that is definitely one.
For Trump? That’s pretty much the only one.
To be fair, Trump also hangs out with prostitutes. The difference there is how the prostitutes were treated.
He does have a lot in common with Paul though. Asshole, telling people what to do while not giving a shit what Jesus said, hating homosexuals, and telling people how pious he is. Oh, and Republicans also care more about what he has to say than what Jesus said.
Removed by mod
I’m pretty sure Stormy Daniels did a lot of things with Trump, but washing his feet with her tears was not one of the things she did when his wife was pregnant.
Wait tears? I thought it was frankincense and murrh and hair or something?
A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
Wow ok so you were right but I was also partly right.
I didn’t link to it to prove you wrong. It was a joke. No one died.
Am I the only one who sees her name and thinks “why is magic the gathering saying political stuff?”
Imagine if we started calling her MT Greene and people respond like “The Mountain said WHAT?!”
I have had at least one other comment like that on a Lemmy post, so no. Unless that was you lol
Hahaha wasn’t me but every time that’s the first thing I think. I don’t really even play MTG. Randomly dabbled on and off for years.
Removed by mod
Remember when Jesus was known for conning people and cheating them?
Famously tricked an entire wedding party into thinking a jug of water was delicious wine. Pushed quack medicine to “resurrect” fellow con-man Lazarus of Bethany and treat mental illness by herding a pack of 30-50 wild hogs off a cliff. Trashed an entire temple to clear a bad loan to some money changers. Pretended to get crucified and then slipped off three days later, after his buddy Judas Iscariot had absconded with 30 pieces of silver.
“Don’t worry guys! I’ll be back any day now!” Hasn’t been seen in over 2000 years.
Removed by mod
I could buy this
You know, comparing people to God is basically blasphemy already. Not that I trust people who genuinely support Trump to understand anything about their own religion - or anything really.
The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Turning things around, I don’t think Jesus is just like Trump.
Jesus wasn’t orange… for one.
We all know he was as white as the new fallen snow!
/s
Don’t forget the blue eyes… and the flowing semi-golden locks.
Yeah, but if he existed he would almost certainly have been a person of color.
Not really… there was no such thing as “white” back then - which mean no “people of colour,” either.
He would definitely be classified as such according to the totally rational race caste system we can’t seem to exist without today.
Wait, are you trying to say that northern Europeans didn’t exist 2000 years ago? Or are you trying to say that people back then didn’t discriminate based on skin color?
that northern Europeans didn’t exist 2000 years ago?
“White” is an invented thing - and a pretty recent one, too. There is no such thing as a “white” race - not today, nor 2000 years ago. It only exists in the head of a person that has been taught to see the world through the lens of white supremacism - ie, “scientific racism” - which we are almost all subjected to from birth no matter our (supposed) “race.”
So we are listening to magic: the gathering now?
Someone else called her Empty-G, which is more fitting.
As much as I love seeing this joke every single time her initials are brought up, there are all kinds of acronyms and abbreviations which have double meanings depending on context.
It would be like if every time someone wrote a history article about something taking place before the first century, someone said, “oh, I thought we were talking about British Columbia.”
I thought I was being original :(
